The journey

Adoption.  A beautiful expression of God's greatest love.  He adopted us first.  He showed us that through our brokenness, our ugliness and our sin ... we were still worthy of his greatest love.  This is eternal adoption and yet ... physical adoption is no different.  Indeed, he showed us first how to love the hurting.  I mean, I am a mess on most days, and yet he still calls me beloved and daughter of the King.  Even in my mess ... through my adoption ... he loves me!

So today, as I think back over our past two adoption experiences, the reality is still the same.  My kids - all of them are a mess.  My biological children struggle with sin, selfishness, lack of self control, pride and more.  They are and always will be a work in progress - won't we all?  But, they have been adopted ... eternally.  Indeed, they have committed and have given their life to the one who first gave his for them ... even when some days, that love and that heart is divided as they seek and learn what that relationship looks like.  They are learning how to move from adoption to ADOPTED!   It's beautiful!  They have seen his love even when they thought they were unworthy.   He continues to pursue them ... even in moments when they push him away.  Their relationship with the one who created them will be a process.

And well, as go for my children through physical adoption.  It is a earthly display of a spiritual reality.  Maliah struggles ... with all those things above and more.  Control seeps in - a by product for many children from an institution.  On many days we see the fruit of a physical adoption in her behavior.  You might not.  The world, that is.  You see a beautiful, happy, giggly, bright little girl, who is well adjusted and well adapted into her family.  She is.  But from the outside in, you might not see those things that we see...   You may not see the small behaviors that scream brokenness.  You might not see the places that still yearn for wholeness and healing.  We do ... and still, we love her through it because well, he loved us first and showed us how.  Adoption.  It is a beautiful and messy thing!

And once again, over these past days,  I am getting the chance to see and experience the truth of my own adoption all over again through the journey of our son.

 I was broken and alone when the Lord swept me up.  I believed him ... that he loved me and yet, it took YEARS to truly receive him.  I wanted to give him my whole heart.  I wanted to experience the depth of his great love and yet I wasn't sure what that looked like or how to go about getting it.  And even when I did, their were moments that I turned away and I questioned my love and his.   I had a divided heart.

I see that in my Zebene.

I also rebelled on many occasions.  I fought, pushed back and resisted when he pulled me in closer.  I pushed back, not believing he truly could love me ... in all my unworthiness.   And yet, I still felt him pursue me and when I didn't deserve it or even want it, he held on to me tight ... knowing it was just what I needed but little did I know ... it was what I wanted.

I see that in my Zebene.

And at times, I missed the life I had known before.  Even though that life had nothing to offer.  Even when others in my (Christian) community would say there was nothing to gain there ... I missed it.  It was the only thing I knew.   This life was new and undiscovered .. it was full of fears.

I see that in my Zebene.

It took some time to move from a place of "adoption" in my life with Christ.  From a place where I knew in my heart that it had happened ... but it hadn't yet become my identity to a place where Christ  became central to who I was and am ... it took years to become the wholeness of this adoption.  To be fully ADOPTED!

This week and in the many many weeks to come we will be dealing with a huge and scary word in the adoption world called "attachment".  I intend to and will discuss in a future post our plan and what we are doing to help our little boy and us with this process.   It is a process!  But, for my friends who are new to this community .. attachment is the instinct for Zebene to seek close proximity to us for comfort, protection and provision.  To not seek this from you ... or anyone else.  This is that natural relationship built between a mother and her child at birth ... a relationship that we don't yet have.  It's a process to build ... one that takes time and intentional work.  It's also one that takes only us.  It can be and is exhausting at times.  It is a choice.   Loving him well is a choice.

The reality is, our Zebene still sees us as his favorite Care Giver.  In the past 1.5 years of his life, many have come and gone and cared for him.  This week ... I happen to be his favorite "Auntie".  And indeed, I am reminded on many moments of that reality when he actually calls me that  - "Auntie".
We have had some beautiful moments these past two weeks.  We have shared in some sweet moments and I have loved sharing them with you.   And yes, we have had and will continue to have some hard ones too.  But again, this is the process we are on ... to move from Care Giver to Mommy ... from adoption to ADOPTED!  It's a process, a timely and sometimes exhausting process.

Keep in touch and I will share what it looks like for us along the way.    It's a journey ... one I pray and hope you will join us in.