26.1 miles to go?

19 months - from start to finish - from the moment we put in our application until the moment we stepped off the plane and became a family of 6.  23 months for Maliah ... so this time, the race was a bit shorter, albeit, mostly because we sought a child that was older - and a boy - two areas that are less popular in the world of adoption.    The journeys were long.  There were moments of great stress, tears and heartache during both.  There were moments where we had to completely trust that the Lord called us ... that he would finish the race set before us.   And - He did ... he is always FAITHFUL!!

The reality is though, that while most of my readers and friends followed us all those months and were so vital in praying Zebene home ... the race isn't yet finished.   That part of the journey is simply the warm up - the 5K - to the marathon that lies ahead for an adopting family.  The journey begins when most are finished cheering.   When the sidelines of cheers have diminished.  When their are no more water stations and mile markers to let you know how far you have to go ... when the posters have made it's way to the recycle bins and the rest of the world has gone back to living life.  That is when the real journey and work begins.

It's so easy when we arrive at one of our Airport Welcome Homes (yes ... we are blessed here in San Antonio that this has become a fun and frequent family affair), that we all look on at the new family and in our minds think "And they lived happily ever after".   The pictures are beautiful.  The moment is full of joy and praise as the fruition of all those months of praying that child/children home has finally come to pass.  A family has been birthed and we, the onlookers get to rejoice and be of witness to all His good works.   It is the crescendo!!!!

What you might not know, however, is that that family doesn't always look so "rosy" if you peered through the window once the bags have been unpacked.  Transition is hard.  It is work.  It is exhausting.   It is lonely.

It is also the only place I have ever seen and heard the Lord more clearly.  Why .... because when the world goes away ... I am only left with HIM!

Many have asked how we are doing.  Many have shared their desire to meet our sweet boy.  Many have blessed us with the gift of meals, texts and e-mails.  And while I haven't always had the chance to respond, answer or thank you ... they have been, in many moments, the oxygen to my blood that day.   Did I mention that adoption parenting and transition can be lonely?

So, let me give you a window into what we are doing.  A window into the world of attachment, bonding and grafting.

• Zebene sleeps on his top mattress that lays next to our bed.  Each night and each nap, we lay down with him to get him to sleep.  Only in the past day or so, are we working to leave the room before he has drifted off .. which brings huge tears.  When he cries, we immediately go back in and pat his back and let him know we are here.  Zebene is a hurting child that needs to know that we will always return.  In his life ... that has not always been the case.
• Discipline looks different.  When a behavior shows itself, a time in on Mommy's lap - or right near me, is how it is handled.  For a child from a hurting place, they have often been abandoned and isolated.  Our goal isn't a time out (away from us) as we are working to build a bond and trust and bring him closer to us.  This can also mean long timeframes of kicking, biting, screaming and spitting ... yep, I told you this isn't all rosy.  
• Meeting Zebene's needs:  Zebene has had multiple broken placements.  First, he was with his beautiful mother for 2.5 years.  From there, he was in an orphanage for 4 months, a transitional home for 17 months and then placed into our care.  This means that Zebene has had many many Care Takers caring for his needs, and many broken attachments in his short 4 year life.  This also means that in his world and mind ... at this point, we are just another stopping place and perhaps, one more "Auntie" in his world.  Because of this, in order for Zebene to learn who his family is and what a family is ... only Doug and I (and his siblings) can be the one to meet his needs, show him physical affection and care for him.   This includes the simple things like when he needs help climbing on something, a drink of water, to go to the bathroom, help with his seat belt, a snack, or a meal.  This also translates that Doug and I do not leave him with anyone yet - even those incredible grandparents we have.  Now, if you see us and him ... don't treat him or us like we have the plague.  For sure, come say hi - Zebene loves to give a high five and would love to meet you.  Just leave the Care taking and physical affection to his immediate family for a while.  We are living in our cocoon ... and praying that this dark and sometimes lonely place will give birth to a butterfly that will be amazingly beautiful when it spreads it's wings.  
• Cocooning - This is a whole new world for Zebene.  His world looked different, smelled different, and sounded different.  It also was spent (in the past months) mostly in one place ... one transitional home - day in and day out.  He didn't make Target runs, hang out at his brother's baseball tournaments and ride in the car a gazillion times a day to take his siblings somewhere. For Zebene, transition into a new place can be scary - it's also not consistent (which he needs most).  Sometimes, he will want us to hold him and he won't let go.  In the few times we have gone out and strangers have approached, he has turned his head away from them (at first).  He isn't being rude - I promise.  He is guarded.  We don't know what he may be thinking ... since we can't yet really communicate.  For all he knows, you are going to take him away - I mean, we did.  Recently, a precious mother in law of a neighbor put her hands out and tried to take him out of my arms.  Immediately, he shook his head at her and held on to me tight (looking away).  I won't lie ... this brought me joy as I was the one who was getting to comfort him - a big plus for attachment.  This brings me to another point ... 
• Your situation or your friends child might look like our Maliah's did (and still does at time) - indiscriminate affection.  Don't be fooled by the child who recently came home and looks so "happy and adjusted" because they are "so friendly" and will go to anyone ... sit in anyone's lap and allow anyone to care for their needs.  Friends ... this isn't good - though the world would say "Ah, they are doing so well", this is a child with attachment issues.  I have lived this world and continue to do so with Maliah (home now 5 years).  For a child from a hurting place who doesn't know attachment to a mother ... they are often willing to receive affection and attention from anyone who will meet those needs.  It often comes across as being so "Social" when little do you know that this child may be struggling with control issues, the need to always be seen (incessant talking can be a attachment sign), and freely "mommy shopping", I call it.  This has been the hardest part of our journey with Maliah.  I'm pretty certain that she would just as willingly go home with a stranger as us on some days.  SO ... once again, this goes back to only the parents meeting the needs of the child.  Well meaning strangers and friends helping are often hurting the process of attachment and not even know it.   
• Intentional play.  This takes time ... and, friends, I am still learning this one.  There are all sorts of sensory play ideas and more that we are or should be doing.  I'm still trying to figure out how to fit it all of this in (practically speaking)  ... all day focused play, my growing piles of laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, kids activities, grocery shopping, making meals and more - without loosing my mind.  I will talk more about this one later ... KP (see below) and I are wrestling with this as I am often wondering if she has actually been in a home where one is trying to parent 3 other kids, be a wife, help your husband with work and more while doing all of this.   I am trying to learn a balance and right now and  the beam keeps winning.  
• What would KP do??  In the adoption world, their is a well known attachment expert named "Karen Purvis".  She has worked with children from "hurting places" for years and through her science background and experience has learned a great deal as to the reasons why our children respond the way the do ... the things they are missing from nutrition, attachment cycles and more.   In our home, we often ask "What would KP do'?  If you haven't already, read "The Connected Child" then go on over to Empowered to Connect  and watch some of the videos of KP, read the blog posts of Amy and Michael Monroe and learn a little of what we are doing as the basis and foundation for each day.  What I have listed is only the starting place as we have read a TON of books along the way and are utilizing many tools from them - she just happens to be our families favorite.  I'm also still working on that "Karen Purvis" compassion voice.  

Parenting a child from a hard place isn't easy ... it has to be intentional and that often means ... exhausting.  The good news is, God knows all of this and we are sure that through the wisdom of resources like KP and through the revelation he gives each day, that he can and will bring beauty from ashes ... in every child.   But, when you ask how we are ... know that if I look at you cross eyed and glazed over, it's because I am caught somewhere between balancing the reality of living life each day ...  with 3 kids plus one more - from a hurting place.  (Well, actually 2 kids plus 2 more from a hurting place - since that parenting never ends).   And by the way ... I need a mile marker.  What mile am I on anyways?

I sure am worth it!!!