My living room

I probably owe you an apology.  In fact,  I am sure I do.  You may not realize it though my husband would  beg to differ but recently, I have been completely absorbed and on an emotional ride that I can't get off.  This has left me grumpy, short tempered and distracted.   That probably doesn't make for a good friend.  For that, I am sorry.

One more part of the adoption journey.  One more way the Lord allows you to experience the full labor of your child - hormones!  In fact, I am certain, I have more tension, more anxiety, and more hormones raging than ever I did during either of my pregnancies.

I am a mess!

I have a gazillion things to do and yet, many moments of the day I stand in the middle of my living room motionless.  Looking around I think, I don't know where to begin.  What should I do next?

I have made a list, I have bought medicines, filled prescriptions and made more lists.  My adorable husband recently asked this past Monday "when you get a chance, maybe you could write down things we need to take and do before we leave".  As I sat at the table I wanted to spit nails at him casually answered "It's on Z's" floor.  It's been done.  grrrr .... what in the world does he think I do all day.  Eat bon bons?  No, silly ... just chocolate!

The reality is, some moments of the day I completely procrastinate by getting lost in chocolate  in other things I really can put off  need to do, in an attempt to divert my heart and my mind from the real things that must be done.  9:00 pm T.V. time has become my sanctuary.  Oh yes, I do love getting lost in mindless TV.  Pick up your chin, I still love Jesus even through that worldly hour.  I asked, he has forgiven me.

Then this week, two separate blog posts were written by two separate amazing woman.  I sat down and soaked each of them in because well, that's another way to procrastinate doing all the things I am SUPPOSED to be doing is loosing myself in "Someone else's thoughts".  

Jen, a fellow AWAA adopting Momma is talented, witty, hilarious and funny.  Every time she writes, I swear she has just climbed right out of my head.  This post  is such a raw and real reality of a family walking through adoption and the needs they have that it made me laugh and it isn't even funny.  Sometimes they don't even know they have a need other than sleep.  Most of the times ... in lieu of putting those thoughts into real words, they eat chocolate stand in the middle of their living room and wonder what to do next.
I loved this post.  Since we are at that "before airport" part ... we still have quite a haul to go.  How can you help?  Honestly, I can't even organize my thoughts enough to pack our bags.  That being said, if you ask, I might not have an answer.  I might not have a "to do".  I might not even reply because it might be embarrassing to say that I don't know.  Remember, I am eating chocolate standing motionless in the living room.  But, the fact that you asked might have just been what I needed to get my heart to the next step.  To know that I am not standing their alone might be the very thing I need in that moment!  Thank you.

Then came the second blog post.  My absolutely dearest and most precious Cindy  posted that.  She's the gal in my life that gets to be the receiver of all the times I need to back up my dump truck and dump all my chocolate.  Lucky her!  She listens and well, the spirit often speaks through her.  Imagine that, that the Lord really does use one another to refine, encourage and edify.  Hmmmm, amazing.  Last night, she sent me that post and told me that she had been writing that post for a while, but posted it yesterday with me in mind and that she was "Praying for us as the most intense part of the journey approaches".  I began to weep.  Remember, I am a mess!  It doesn't take much.  Suddenly, my living room didn't feel so lonely.  Suddenly, my closest ally was no longer chocolate.

As I sat reading her post, the Lord gave me a pretty clear picture why I am stuck.  As Cindy eloquently wrote "Maybe your emotions for your child-to-be are so heavy you can't move".  Oh man, that is so true!  My muscles are so sore.  I cannot carry this weight any longer.  Standing here, alone, I have become too weak to hold them in one more minute.

UGH, it's not pretty ... they are now oozing out into places and on to people they shouldn't.  Sorry Doug.

Yes, I have packing lists and to do's ... but I am motionless, filled with anxiety, my stomach in knots or perhaps that indigestion from too much chocolate - darn that Halloween many moments of the day.  I can't seem to be able to describe my feelings and while I have "done this before", this feels very new and very different than the journey with Maliah.  Perhaps deep down, I am already aware at how hard this will be.  The reality is, the second go around, there is no way to hide behind rose colored glasses.  No, deep down ... I know that I won't survive without that village Jen spoke of and of course HIM!  Perhaps deep down, I am so hopeful and yet so scared about our pending court date.  Right now, I sit comfortably in a place of unknown.  I don't know yet if "Z"'s case will be one of those "tricky" ones.  As I watch families around me wait to pass court and are still sitting their wondering 120 days later or I pray for friends who have had to walk the journey of not clearing embassy and watching their files be investigated ... it is daunting and deep down I secretly pray, "Lord, don't let that be my journey".  The reality is, I don't yet know if that will be our journey too and the thought of that road is overwhelming.  Perhaps with those things in mind - I am frozen in fear.  Yes, gasp, I admit it ... some moments I lack faith ... how fleshly!  Perhaps deep down inside, their is a very real reality that our long awaited "Z" will not like us much at first, will care less if we are there and will really not understand how much my heart is bursting to take him home.  That is sobering.  Perhaps the very real chance that our wait will only grow longer and longer with each new Ethiopian adoption hurdle is discouraging.  I don't know ... but what I do know is that if I put all these things together it = me + chocolate an empty living room = MOTIONLESS!

SO, if you read Jen's blog and you put up your hand to be a part of the village for an adopting family,  I do know what I need today, this minute, right now.  I need the calming peace of my savior.  I need the prayers of a warrior to get to that point.  I need the option to say "NO", I can't help you today ... I can't volunteer for the Kinder eye exam, I can't attend the birthday party, no - my child isn't doing the  second "extra credit project in a week" and that doesn't mean we are awful parents, no - I'm not packaging your coffee you ordered - the sales girl might get to do it.  GASP!, No, I can't attend the Board meeting, no, no, no.  And when I say "no", I need you to smile, say "I understand" and really mean it.  Oh, and I need you to tell me I look great ... even if I have eaten my weight in chocolate!

Hmmmm, this KitKat sure is good!