For almost 12 years we have enjoyed the fairy tale and fantasy of the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause with our children. 11 years ago, I can remember having a lengthy conversation with family members about what we were going to do in our home - to Santa or not to Santa ... that is/was the question? For me, I grew up with the fun of Christmas stockings and Santa cookies and couldn't wait to impart all that fun on my own children, and frankly, I was beyond furious when a family member brought over their child who was around two at the time (Canyon still a baby) and he was running around saying "Santa's a hoax, Santa's a hoax". How dare they tell their child such a thing! I so deeply feared that their decision would ruin our own family fun that it made me furious that they had taught their young child to say that. It was definitely a source of hidden bitterness in my spirit ... little did they know.
However ...
3 kids later, our Christmas's were indeed a mix of the truth of Jesus's birthday and the created American story of the Great Santa Claus. Our children knew the "reason for the season", we attended church to celebrate our Savior's birth, we read the bible, bought kids books and taught them all about Mary, Joseph, the Angel Gabriel and a beautiful King born in a manger who was brought to save the world. It was beautiful.
BUT
We also filled stockings, set out cookies for Santa, enjoyed the yearly viewing of the Polar Express complete with the bells that jingle and enjoyed much of the great tradition that holds true for many children in America. It was all good!
The same was true for the Tooth Fairy. They lost teeth and she magically arrived in the night sometimes days later because our Tooth Fairy stinks to retrieve those pearly treasures in exchange for the going rate of $1 in the Martine home.
No Easter Bunny - that one was for sure lost on the celebration of the greatest gift of Easter - Jesus's death and resurrection. And although Christmas brought in the mixture of our truth's and lies, for whatever reason ... this was one fairy tale we just didn't subscribe to. The kids did ask on occasion why the Easter Bunny didn't come to our house and the typical answer was "The Easter Bunny knows you believe in Jesus ... and knows that you know that that is what Easter is about". Hmmmm??? A little hypocritical perhaps??
This past Christmas I read a blog post by a "Friend" in the adoption community. I had followed Jen's adoption of her two children and although she'd never pick my face out of a crowd, I considered her a "friend" because don't we really all want to be Jen's friend and therefore appreciated her wisdom and insight as much as I would any friend hanging out in my living room. So, the day she posted this post, was another confirmation of us questioning just what we were really doing. With the pending adoption of a four year old from Ethiopia, I already had found myself questioning the "American" traditions and culture that I would be soon be imparting on him and began realizing that perhaps, our emphasis on stuff, things and possibly, Santa, whom had never come to visit him (lest was he not a "good little boy"?) was something that didn't sit so well in my spirit.
But alas, Christmas was around the corner and what was done was done. This year ... we'd do it all the same and I conceded that we'd re-visit this subject *next* year.
Well ... I guess that time has arrived. With one little phrase, one little question, the truth has been told (to one little Martine at least).
Here's the short of how it played out ...
Dakota lost a tooth yesterday. As she prepared for bedtime, she realized that she needed to put her tooth under her pillow. To my surprise, however, she instead looked to me and asked "Is the tooth fairy real"?
Now, I have always told my children that they could ask me ANY question and that I would always answer them with the complete the truth. And yes, I have had some doozy questions already to which I have proudly been brutally honest to answer. My kids live in a fallen and broken world and attend the nearby public school ... so you can imagine with my two oldest, at almost 12 and 10 - their have been a few subjects broached. I usually love these questions, actually. Ironically, while most pull their children from the public school setting BECAUSE of what they might hear ... I am usually relieved to know they have heard those things under my careful watch and am quick to bring light and truth to those things through a biblical perspective. It's one of my many reasons I don't want to home-school my children (not to mention, my son would school me because he's so darned bright). I want them to swim with the whales while I am the one still teaching them to swim and those are perfect opportunities to teach them a new stroke ... but that is a discussion for another place and time all together. IE ... today isn't your day to throw daggers or judge me on that ... nor try to convince me of all the reasons you think I should be doing so.
Anyhoo ... what that does mean, is that I am careful to always give my children a honest and forthright answer every.single.time so they keep coming to me with their questions.
So as I stood in the middle of the room, I began to hesitate. Before I knew it, I sent Dakota to her Daddy to see what he wanted to say. And like any good Daddy, he asked her "What did your Mommy say"? By that point, it was obvious that we were stammering around this one and the truth needed to be revealed .... "Dakota, the tooth fairy isn't real and in fact, she is your Mommy and Daddy"
Her immediate response to her question and our answer was shared with giggles. Dakota realizing that the few times that the tooth fairy didn't "make it to our house because she was so busy doling out money to so many other kids" was actually Mommy or Daddy just plain forgetting. She giggled and off to bed she went.
As I approached a few minutes later, however, I found a very different reaction. After some thought, Dakota had decided and realized the truth. As she turned her back to me without a goodnight kiss, she said "You lied to me".
My heart sank. She was right.
Morning came and my blue eyed beauty was still distraught. Through her tears, she again told me that we had lied to her. Sitting down in a conversation, she asked
"I just want to know what's real"?
It hit me in that moment, my girl was not just questioning our fantasy Santa and the Tooth Fairy ... our girl was questioning this man we called "Jesus". I knew exactly what she was asking when she asked that questions. She was questioning the very thing we had built the core of our family around - our faith and her relationship with Jesus and wanted to know if he too was a great big fat lie. If Santa wasn't real ... then what else wasn't? Am I praying to something make believe? Have a placed my heart and given my heart to untruths? Oh no ... she didn't say it. But she didn't have to - I could read it all through her eyes. My eyes filled with tears. Living the "American way" had not only caused my child to question us, but it created space for the enemy to creep in and to leave a place for her to question HIM!
I began to weep. I can't even explain the sadness that came over Dakota. Now hear me now, I am not condemning anyone who is choosing to enjoy the fun of Santa, the tooth fairy or anything else. Hey - I did for 12 years. I am definitely not one to pass judgement on another families choices ... But today, seeing my girl in tears, crushed me and was a wake up call for our family and the choices we had been making.
Immediately I responded
"JESUS IS REAL! Dakota, these are the truths you need to hold dear in your life ... Mommy and Daddy love and adore you AND JESUS IS REAL! Jesus died on a cross for you. And he did so, so that you could have eternal life with the father! Without him, we are hopeless. He's not only real ... but he's coming back!"
A weight seemed to lift from my girls shoulders as we continued to discuss those things that are make believe to the the one truth she could hold forever - HIM! And let me tell you, it felt so good to sit and share in an honest conversation ... no longer hiding behind the lies and schemes we had created so that we could keep her in a fantasy world.
We have decided that the truth that came out for one of our children today was indeed a hidden blessing. And yes, while her imaginary world of fun being shattered might have caused some of her upset this morning, the the fact that she felt the Mommy and Daddy she trusted had lied to her and that she questioned JESUS's truth was enough for us to say no more!
So if you will, pray for us as we approach this subject with our other children. Of course, Zebene isn't a factor in that equation and I am certain that at almost 12, Canyon knows that those things are a fantasy (though never spoken aloud). But Maliah ... sweet Maliah at 6 will surely be devastated at the news that the big fat man in the red suit is nothing more than her Daddy, eating bites out of her peanut butter balls, drinking sips of the milk and always leaving behind a special note to tell her just how great he thought they were.
3 comments:
GREAT post. When our first kids were really little, we also taught "Santa". I wish I hadn't. They all already know he's not real now, because I was convicted to NOT lie a couple years ago and when one of them asked in front of the others (they were 10, 8, and 6 at the time), I answered with the truth. They figured out pretty early the Tooth Fairy was not a real thing when that so-called fairy forgot every single time to put a dollar under their pillow. Now, they walk up to me and I actually pay them for their tooth. A tooth-exchange. Sad, I know, but true.
I love that you told her that Jesus is real. He is truth.
When our boys come home, they will only be told the truth.
As for schooling, I hope none of your friends would actually look down on you for sending your kids to public school. We've done it all - public school, private school, and homeschool (which we're currently doing). Every family is different and every child is different, and families go through situations where their needs may change. Eventually our children may be transitioned back into school if that's where God leads us. Who knows? But to me that diversity should be celebrated within the Christian community. It makes me mad when people don't see that the issue is God's call, just like when people don't understand why God would call us to adopt out of the country instead of within.
Wow, this has gotten long. Just know you are a great mom!
See we brought home our 3-year-old little girl from China in 2008. Our first adoption. And she was old enough to know no fat guy in a red suit had come her way in China, so we ditched it all. Truth be told, I had wanted to for a long time. Our boys were 10 and 6 at the time, and they didn't seem to mind at all. Our 6YO son had already told us at 4 YEARS old he thought it was all "fake" and we told him he was right, but we all still played along two more years.
But once our girl came home, no more lies about gift-bearing men and bunnies b/c after all they don't come to most orphans in the world. And she knew it.
Our next adoptions were sons #3 and #4, at ages 10 and 5. They knew too these things weren't real, so it was no big deal to them either. They love getting the three gifts we give to our children on Christmas morning. We don't do any gifts on Easter. They do get money for lost teeth, but they know it is from Mommy and Daddy.
What we didn't expect was the backlash from grandparents and other family members who worried our children "might spoil it for the cousins." What? That was all they worried about, that our children might dispell the lies and share TRUTH.
That surprised me.
As for homeschooling, I think everyone has to decide, but I do think your thoughts would be much more thought-provoking if you just shared why you don't homeschool rather than making it something debatable. It is a very personal choice. We currently homeschool, but our boys attended public school and we have had two of ours in public preschool, and we would use public school again if God led us in that direction. I am fairly certain private school would never be an option for our family, but homeschool and public yes.
Hi - I just happened across this as another friend shared it on FB. Excellent post. Thank you.
Don't forget: in teaching the truth about Santa/Bunny/Fairy to make sure you teach your child how to be gracious to others who are still playing "the Santa game". I almost got tarred and feathered in the CHRISTIAN pre-school hallway for my son telling other classmates that Santa is just pretend. We have since encouraged our kids, when asked "what is santa bringing you" to respond with "Santa is fun. But we celebrate Jesus' birthday..." That way they don't hurt their testimony or trample on another family's choice, but yet stand up for their own beliefs. It was a tough lesson to learn.
As for your public school choice: thanks. I too have 3 in public school and have dealt with mind-blowing questions. I will remember your quote "swim with the whales while I am still teaching them to swim." We have had abundant, open, and Bible-based conversations because of things they have heard or seen in the public school setting.
Thanks again,
Dawn - in Chicagoland.
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