You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us.
Grace!
Each adoption journey has led me closer to understanding the heart of God. With Maliah - I began to understand how I must make Him feel each day with my divided heart. Through her, I learned what love abandon looks and doesn't look like. I saw a heart divided and realized ... mine was too. Ouch.
So, of course, he had more lessons for me to learn. Another adoption - another doozie lesson. Did I mention that my new motto is FOUR and no more? The kids are great - it's the lessons that are getting to me! Aren't we always being molded and crafted by the perfect creator? I suppose he realized I needed a four year old to be his sculptor and show me what *grace* was. It was time for me to understand what he's giving - even when it isn't received well, earned, valued, or appreciated. *Grace*
We swim each day in an ocean of it ourselves and yet, the reality is until recently, besides my confession of the cross and my need for what he did for me on that day - I didn't really get what it looked like for me day in and day out. I mean, what does "Give her grace" REALLY look like?
I've been figuring this one out the hard way. People ... give HER grace, for heaven's sake!
Each day, I awake and honestly - while I don't want to seem to have a complaining spirit - I pull myself out of bed and pray that I can do this again. Oh, don't get me wrong. I love that precious brown boy of mine to pieces. BUT - loving someone doesn't mean it's always easy, comfortable or convenient.
Some days, I awake and hope that Doug is sticking around long enough so I don't have to wake him too. I hope that I can take my 3 older kids to school - without him in tow - and then I hope that when I return, he's still fast asleep. I sneak in the door, grab my morning cup of coffee and sit - in the quiet. And as I do, I pray. Dear, Jesus ... more ... I need more. More Grace, more peace, more joy, more of you. And while I pray, I pray for my yucky heart that in it's flesh is saying "I can't do this one more day, I don't want to do this one more day. I have no more nice in me, no more grace left in me".
Did I mention, that this is often all happening while that little brown boy is indeed awake? I can usually hear him bouncing around in his bed. I hear books drop to the floor and I hear his voice crying out "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy". Never mind the fact that I am the one with him - solely - for more than 60 hours per week - caring for his every need - and yet "Daddy", he cries out.
Are you judging me yet? "Give her grace for heaven's sake!"
As I muster up the energy and motivation, I move towards his room and enter. With the most cheerful and happy and loving voice I can find I say "Good morning sweet boy". And usually, I receive one of two scenarios.
a simple stare - sometimes a smile and if it's a morning of blessings, maybe even a morning hug and kiss.
or - If I'm not so lucky -
"EMBY" he says in the most hateful voice while he cuts his eyes away from me (meaning - a firm NO) and then tells me "Daddy".
This is all his way of telling me that I was not what he hoped for. Go away.
I just never know what I will get.
*grace* - Dear, Jesus - you better have an unlimited budget for me!
The days that start with the latter are the days that I usually find that I need a double dose of grace. It's those days that I am put to the real test. Can I give as much grace as I expect in return?
It's those days - the days that my sweet boy is acting like a royal toot (just to be honest), that I realize that if it weren't for his grace - he'd be hanging by his toenails from the door frames by now!!
I swim in an ocean of it. Every. Single. Day. It isn't earned. Of course, as Easter approaches, I think about the cross - and my abundant value and appreciation of that eternal sacrifice and yet, I forget that the cross didn't end on that day. His *grace* is extended to me Every. Single. Day when I awake with those nasty and yucky feelings. When I am so less than perfect that in the reality ... it's only by his grace that I even GET to be this sweet boy's Mom and yet - how often do I have these feelings.
Grace - when I don't want to. Grace - when I am frustrated. Grace - when I want to give up. Grace - when I just have to walk away. Grace - when I wonder why me? Grace - when I'm tired. Grace - when I'm not patient. Grace - when I have resentment. Grace - when I just don't care. Grace - when I don't feel like it. Grace - when I am selfish. Grace - when I have a pity party. Grace - when I get angry. Grace - when I feel ornery.
On some days - Z wakes up and he wants nothing to do with me. I'm sure he looks at me and thinks "Not you again". And well to tell you the truth, on those days, I often think pretty much the same of him. There goes that need for Grace again. We'd be a mess together without it.
We are in full on transition, recovery and healing mode around here and well ... there is nothing pretty about that. My sweet boy needs a ton of grace. And I need even more to make sure we're both alive on the other end of this rainbow.
The process of healing brokenness and an abundance of grace should go together like peanut butter and jelly.
It's a good thing then that his abundant grace overflows so much on me - that I do get through that day AND have enough for Z too!
Aaaaaahhhh ... I get it "Give that girl some grace".
The Lord's promises are full of his Grace. I'm learning daily that it didn't end that day at Calvary. We are not worthy of any of these things ... but by his grace they are given to us. Believe me - you saw the laundry list above - I am not worthy. I could never extend the grace that Zebene needs, if it didn't first come straight from him.
By his Grace;
- I am saved - John 6:47
- I am justified - Romans 3:24
- I am a new creation - 2 Cor. 5:17
- I am Chosen - John 15:16
- I am a temple of the Holy Spirit - (1 Cor. 6:19-20
- God loves me (1 John 4:19
- Nothing will separate me from the love of God. - Rom. 8:38-39
- His peace is available to me (Isa 26:3)
- He will give me rest - (Heb 4:1
- He will give me strength (Ps. 29-11)
- I am never alone (Heb 13:5)
- I will be safe (Prov 18:10
- All my needs will be supplied (Phil 4:19)
- He takes pleasure in me (Ps. 147:11)
- I will flourish (Ps 92:12
- All things are possible to me (Mark 9:23
- My faith will be renewed (Isa. 40:31)
- God cares (1 Peter 5:7)
- He will help me (Isa 41:10
- Everlasting joy will be my portion (Isa 51:11)
- My patience will be rewarded (Heb 6:12)
- Angels are watching over me (Ps. 91:11-12
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