One Month "self-report"

5 weeks forever ... but whose counting?

I can't even believe it's only been 5 weeks.  That sounds negative and it isn't meant to be  - but I do say that in an honest way.  It feels like forever ago that we were in Ethiopia getting our sweet little boy.  In 5 short weeks my life has become a whirlwind of change and I am still learning what our new "normal" is.

I sifted through my inbox e-mails this past week.  First, my apologies for the many I have yet to respond to.  But in the stash, I found my "Welcome Home" e-mail from America World with the attached link to print out and complete my "one month self report" (post placement).  My reality check that indeed, we have been home an entire month and a reminder that our kids - kids from hard places - are anything but "normal" and gasp, come with *issues*.   Hmmm, perhaps a new "normal" isn't even possible?   As I read through the questions, however,  I was also reminded of just how awesome Zebene is doing!

There is a slew of issues that a family may deal with during the attachment, transition and bonding process of an adoption.  As I mentioned in my post "26.1 miles to go", adoption is a journey and definitely not a destination.   To add to that, there is no one along the way with mile markers to tell you how far you have to go until you have "arrived".  There is no one holding up posters as you round the bend to the next crowd to cheer you over that hill.   No water stations, or cheering fans.  In fact, for many families, you begin the race and no one even tells you how far you have to run or what sorts of mountains you will have to climb along the way.   It's like going into a marathon half trained.  I mean, no offense Karen Purvis ... but your book and my life just don't seem to add up.   Did you know I have 3 more kids to parent?   Where was the training for that?

As I look through this "self-report" paper work I have come to the reality that our little guy is doing great and well, it might be ME with the issues.

Our little guy now will go off to sleep all on his own.  He still sleeps in our room, next to us on our floor and on many mornings I will return to find him playing in his bed.  This is a great sign of contentment.  He eats wonderfully and the shoulder shrug and "sniff test" have become farther and fewer between.  I think he is actually starting to believe that his Mommy fixes yummy foods ... foods he is more eager to try.  And boy does he eat!!  We're still working on just how soon he needs to climb up to the table for each meal.  As soon as the food comes out to prepare, we hear "Eat" and he is up and ready for his feast.  Never mind the fact that it still may have an hour to cook.   Poor guy.

Our communication is still difficult when it comes to him picking up words and me feeling like he fully understands me when I am trying to re-direct his behaviors.  Then again ... he has quickly taken on the word "no mommy" and loves to tell me every. single. moment. what we will do next.  I can chalk that one up to the infamous *control* issues that most of our kids will struggle with.  You would too if your world had always been out of control.  Here is one of my issues I talked about.  I know this - and it STILL drives me bonkers.   I'll let you in on a secret ... I am the one who likes to be in control!

Zebene doesn't seem to show indiscriminate affectionate to strangers necessarily but absolutely LOVES his PiPa and Granny.  I tease them that I am certain they put addictive drugs in their home as after the very first visit ... he began to ask ALL. DAY. LONG for "PiPa's house".  Of course, after trip 3, I realized that this kid is all about repetition and well ... all 3 trips he was given ice cream for "snack".  My thoughts were dead on.  Drugs = ice cream.  This kid aint no fool.  No wonder he tells me "Mommy - no, PiPa - des".

Zebene is affectionate with each of us, but it comes on his terms and his timing.  If he has been recently reprimanded or you have done something that he isn't in favor for ... you might be the recipient of the cold shoulder and the infamous "shoulder shrug".   Lately I have also gotten some pretty harsh looks and complete diverting of any eye contact as I was the one who put him in a 'time in" or made him do something that wasn't his idea.
The past two days he has wanted little to do with me.  Here goes another one of my issues ... that rejection hurts!!!

He doesn't steal, isn't destructive to himself or others.  He doesn't eat strange things, hide food or gorge himself.  We do have to tell him "all done" after adequate helpings as with most kids from an institution or malnourishment, he doesn't seem to have a 'Full barometer" yet.   He isn't cruel to animals and even seems to get his feelings pretty hurt when he is punished (showing remorse/conscience - this is a good thing).

The list of questions and concerns could go on and on ... but you get the idea.   Zebene is doing darn good.  We still have a long road ahead ... but things could definitely be harder.

So, as I sat looking through this list, I began to wonder what in the heck is my problem.  I mean, we definitely have some issues to work through and have a kid who doesn't understand a lick of what we are saying ... but things. could. be. worse.
And still, my days have been hard.  Last week, I found myself sitting in the HEB parking lot bawling like a baby, on the phone with my hubby telling him just how hard this was.  I'll admit, I have had moments when I have wondered "what in the heck have I done"?   I have felt guilty for not doing all the "Karen Purvis" things I know I should be doing.  I have felt guilty for doing all the Karen Purvis things I want to do and then realizing that by doing them ... I have now completely missed out or neglected my other 3 kids.  I have felt guilty because no one has clean clothes (because I was busy with intentional play).  I have felt guilty because everyone has clean clothes (which meant that Zebene was playing cars on the floor by himself).   I have felt guilty for dragging Zebene to the store, the bank and the UPS store - all in the same day and yet, the reality is, I have realized that my life requires that some days - we have to go to the store, the bank and the UPS store.
I wonder every single day if I am doing enough for the attachment process and measuring myself up to books written by *men* (and woman) about how I am *supposed* to do this.
I also secretly miss all the things I love to do - my workouts, cleaning my house with the music on loud and just *me time*.  Yep, I have another issue ... there are moments I wished I could have just take the easy way out.  Obedience is tough.

In the past month, I also have realized this - the world didn't stop because I adopted!  GASP!

Then tonight, I realized something else -  my God KNOWS this!

So tonight, I went into our room, turned out all the lights and I sat down in the rocking chair that Doug's Grammy gave me - 12 years ago (for the birth of Canyon).  I motioned to Zebene to come to me and up he jumped, right into my lap.  I turned him around and just like any little baby would - he laid his head down on my shoulders and cuddled up in the comfort of Mommy's arms.  I began to sing praises and within moments, tears came to my eyes.
Soon, my songs turned into prayers and into the sweetest and most needed conversation of all.  The one with the ONE who called us!   Through my tears I confessed ... this is hard.  I can't do this anymore!  Through my tears I praised him ... "I am not worthy to give him all he needs".

The reality is, my days are hard.  I won't lie.  One month post placement and a look back tells me - we've come a long way and well ... we have a long way to go.
But tonight, as I sat in my rocking chair and cried over my little boy I was reminded in my conversation with the Lord ... I don't have to do it all right.  I don't have to be perfect.  In my weakness - he is strong.  In my imperfections - he is perfect.   Guilt isn't from him.  And well, frankly, while all those books are wonderful and definitely tools to keep handy, the only one who really knows the answers is the one who already knows the pathway to our Zebene's heart.   Whew!

My daily reality won't change.  Tomorrow will be just as hard.  BUT ... perhaps what will change is my perspective.  He knows this is hard.  He knows I can't do all of this.  He knows I am not perfect.  He knows I have a mountain of laundry and a kid who needs all of me PLUS 3 more who need just as much.  He knows I am selfish and miss my *me time*.  He knows all of this and yet, somehow he still thought enough of me to choose me.   What in the word!

One Month Post Adoption Self - Report - Still Not Worthy - but CALLED!