Life without rose colored glasses

I have read and read and read ... adoption books that is;  "The connected child", ""A passage to the Heart", "Becoming a family", "Loved by Choice", "Adoption parenting" and more.

I have read and read and read ... all sorts of parenting books; "Creative Correction", "Shepherding a Child's Heart", "Dare to Discipline", "Making Children Mind without Loosing Yours" and more.

But the reality is, not one of these books, nothing anyone can say ever prepares a Mommy for the moment that your child breaks into an epic tantrum in the middle of a store.  In those moments, I swear, I think every paragraph and every word read disappears from it's pages and your child's behavior becomes a mystery waiting to be solved.

That was my day today.  With joy we dropped off one big sister for an exciting afternoon with a friend.  Brother was off with Daddy and now, it was "our" 3 special hours alone ... just me and Maliah.  As a Mommy of 3, it's always a huge blessing when you get just one on one time with one of your kiddos.  Soaking in every moment, I relish in getting to have that solidarity with them.  To give them the individualized attention they deserve and to just get to look into their little eyes and listen to their little stories - uninterrupted.  Today, we had 3 hours for a date to play with puppy's at the pet store, ice cream treats or whatever else we could find to fit into our day.  Or so I thought.

BUT ... life isn't always full of rose colored glass.  Today, it seemed Maliah had other plans.

As we walked into Wal Mart, the fun began.  "Maliah hold my hand" I asked.  Looking at me with a stubborn defiance she pulled her hand away and tucks it behind her back "no".  "Maliah, please hold Mommy's hand (putting out my hand to her nicely).  "No" (as she retracted hers back again).

just great ... here we go, one of those moments when her stubborn control meets my stubborn control.


"Maliah, please hold my hand".  "No".
Grabbing her hand firmly with my mine, I began to walk towards the isle we needed to go.  This was not going to be our day!!

screaming and yelling commenced 


"Your hurting me, your hurting me" she yelled

dropping her hand I look down and say firmly while I put my hand out in invitation


"Please hold my hand, Maliah, and I won't have to firmly hold yours if you hold mine"

tucking her hand behind her back (of the one I am asking for), she hands me her other hand.
Indeed, another moment she works to control everything around her ... including me!
The reality is, this is the epic adoption battle we deal with in our home.  This is the epic stronghold and wound that hangs over our heads in this thing we call Adoption.  This is the thing that rears it's ugly head over and over and over - her need for CONTROL!  Oh, for some on the outside, it looks so simple.  Why not just take her other hand (the hand SHE offers) they all ask?  Why is that such an issue?  Well, what about when the control goes far past just what hand she'll lend?  What then ... do you give in to that too?  Where you do you draw the line?  Where is it necessary to actually win the battle so that one day we can win this war!   No, really I am asking ... where is it?  Those books don't seem to tell me.  Nothing seems to really and truly prepare me for the amount of anger and frustration that begins to brew up inside me when I have to stop everything I am doing and physically carry my screaming daughter to the car (with the world watching on) all because of her desire to control one thing ...  No book seems to prepare me for the moment when I have to physically put her in her car seat, kicking me and screaming at the top of her lungs.  This time I ask:


"Put on your seat belt please"

The screaming continues and she jumps out of the car seat.  In defiance, she'll control this too.  So, do I give in to that?  I mean, for those who say, "just take the hand she's given".  What now?  You can't exactly drive down the road with a tantruming 5 year old in the backseat unstrapped in,  can you?  What do I do now?


I stop ... everything ... get in the front seat and close the door.
I put on my own seat belt and don't say another word.  Through my frustration, tears and anger I think "What now?  What did all those books say to do now"? What do all those books say to do when you are caught somewhere between wanting to sob your eyes out in the middle of a Wal Mart parking lot or completely loose it on your 5 year old daughter"?


Driving away I just pray she'll get in her seat and fasten her belt.  Have I called her bluff long enough?  Will she try to control this the whole way home or will she finally give in?  The reality is, I could have sat on her in her car seat, in the middle of that parking lot and forced that seat belt on her but then what?  I would have been the lady caught on the camera and on the 6 o'clock news.  The headlines would have read "Crazy woman caught abusing adopted child in the parking lot of Wal Mart".  Oh it would have read that, but would everyone watching also go back and watch the video to see her thrashing about in the car and refusing to put her seat belt on just 2 minutes prior?  Would the article say something else if instead, I let her ride home not in a car seat, not in a seat belt and screaming and jumping all over the car?Probably not.  I still would have been the negligent, abusing Mom.

The tantrum continued the entire 15 minute drive home.  She yelled at the top of her lungs (though she did finally get in that seat and strap herself in ... was that a victory of one battle?) and I prayed with all I had in me for the answers from those books (and the one book that matters ... the bible).
We arrived home and I asked her to go to her room.  Of course, she wouldn't give into that either.  After several times of asking, I physically picked her up and put her in her bed (without speaking a word).  4 times she ran after me screaming and kicking and 4 times, I repeated that drill.

Finally, she stayed in her bed ... screaming.

I went down the stairs and sobbed!

Quiet finally settles into my home.  Tiptoeing upstairs I dare to peak to see what she is doing.  Sleeping ... like an angel, she is sleeping.

This time it is finally over!


Oh you can read all the books on adoption and you can read all the books on creative correction and discipline.  But the reality is, a life without rose colored glasses may look a lot like this.

Don't take one more step into this world of adoption with them on.  You will be sorry you did.

*(I have decided to blog the reality of this day as I hope that somewhere in my frustrations, the Lord will use it to teach me something ... perhaps through something you can share ... or encourage you, in the event that you too have shared in a moment/day like this.  Obviously, I adore and love my Maliah but, I cannot walk the road of adoption and paint a beautiful portrayal of it's story without sharing that on some days, it's hard and on some days, the reality is, adoption is the fruit of brokenness, rejection and abandonment.  With those 3 things comes a multitude of issues to pray and work through.  With those realities also comes the reality of what brokenness looks like.  This just happens to be our picture today)*