A new "NAG"

It felt like a harder day than most!  Friday!  For some reason, every Friday my heart races and my stomach is full of knots but this past Friday when the clock hit closing time (for our agency) it felt like I had just had a negative pregnancy test.  Disappointment.  I suppose it's because in my heart I know that it's the last day of the week before an entire long weekend of for sure no news.  But also, from watching the yahoo boards, it seems like referrals often go out on Fridays.  Every Friday my hopes go up just a little.  Every Friday I wonder if maybe, just maybe, that day will be our day.  And, each Friday just keeps getting harder.  Referrals can happen any day of the "work week" ... but Fridays feel the hardest.

We sit in this weird place on the "adoption train" so to speak.  There is an "Unofficial DTE list" on our yahoo that someone on our groups keeps.  It's a list of each family by the day they were DTE (the day their paperwork went to Ethiopia), what their age request is, gender, multiple children etc.  They also have the "on deck" families listed and numbered ... you know, the ones that America World says is anywhere between 1-3 months from getting a referral.   The ones who can "Expect" to be SOON.

We're not on that list ... and will probably never will be.  There's a "2" by our name ... but we still aren't a "top 10".

Why?  Well ...

We're seeking an "older" child.  With that, they tell us their is "no trend history" for referral on older children.  On one of the conference calls they said that those seeking an older child would probably never receive that "on deck" e-mail because well, they don't know when that referral might come.  The wait at the time of that conference call for an infant boy (we are seeking a boy age 3-5) was 4-6 months.  They followed up by saying that "those seeking an older child would be shorter than an infant boy".  That's all they could GUESS ... because, well, really that's all one can do ... GUESS when their is no "trend history".

Why not a trend history?  Well, frankly, because their has to be more "in line" seeking that age to create a "Trend".   Looking down the "List", we are one of the only families seeking a child who is a boy in our age range.

So, here we are, almost 4 months since are paperwork got there.  Just before I left for Ethiopia, my sweet family coordinator who has since moved away did say that their were "very few, if any, families in front of us for a child in our age/gender request".  She followed up by saying "you know what that means in international adoption ... it could be a week or a month".  That was a month and half ago.  Of course, that was also prior to the whole MOWA fiasco slowdown.  A further confusion to the "trend".  Unknown timelines for all parts of this process were further created.

On our yahoo group they do this awesome thing that shows the "NAG" - needs at a glance".  They post families in different stages of the process so people know how to pray.  "top 10 on deck families", "waiting on court", waiting on embassy", "just received referral" etc.  You get the picture.  We also have an awesome community that prays.  I love this part.  It is why I have always loved my agency ... awesome praying and believing families.  So this week, someone sent out the "NAG" and asked if we would pray for each family in those different stages "by name" and then listed them this Sunday night.  I am so honored to do that!

Then I thought ... hmmm, I think their needs to be one more "NEED".  How about the "NAG" for the families that say "Clueless"?  That's us.

Every day someone asks when we'll know.  Every day I wake up and wonder "is today our day"?  Every day my kids go off to school and pray that the announcement will buzz in their classroom and they'll be called to the office because we have promised that we WILL NOT look at Levi's pictures without them.  Every day could be our day.  Every day gets harder.  Man, oh man, do I also have a NEED!

So, I'm praying tonight for all those needs.  BUT, I've added my own column and jotted down a few family names that I see seeking older children.  I have them under the "clueless" or "only God knows" column because if they are anything like me.  They are feeling CLUELESS!  I think after walking this now 2 times (in China you can follow what days China has matched and KNOW if your coming up),  being totally in the "Unknown" is as hard as the journey itself.

I suppose that's why the Lord called me a second time ... and this time ... to a journey that I really cannot have any control over.  He knows my real NEED ... LETTING GO!