I surrender

"I surrender"!  That's me, waving my white flag.  When I say that, I swear I hear Chris Tomlin singing "White flag" in the background

We raise our white flag, we surrender all to you - all for you ...

laying your body down, you took our rightful place
This freedom song is marching on
We raise our white flag, we surrender all to you - all for you

New Years has arrived.  2013 has set in and my TV, friends FB statuses and commercials all speak of resolutions and making them.  BUT - for me - I don't really believe in resolutions.  Most people (including myself) will resolve to change something about ourselves - a decision based upon what we don't like or what "we" think we should do/be better at and then, working through our own will power to change a sin or pattern,  end up defeated again.   The next January - it starts all over.   Miserable!

No - I believe instead on waiting to see what the Lord begins to work out in me.  It never fails, each year or stage of life, he has something for me to learn - a way of edifying and sharpening me.   The lessons are never easy, but they are defined by Him and that means, only through Him are they worked out.   While I will never be a "finished" product, his work on me is always more fruitful than what I can dream up and do on my own.

This year - the phrase that has been running over and over in my heart is "I surrender".

It started on Christmas Eve.  Totally overwhelmed with my to do's, I broke down in tears and begged for help from my husband.  As he asked what he could do, I literally gave over my control, surrendered my need to have everything *perfect* and sent him to the store for all the Christmas food/preparation shopping to be done.  What's big about that ... did I mention my need to control and that he is a man - at a store - shopping for the biggest day of the year?  surrender

New Years Eve day arrived and I woke up sick sick sick.  For 3 days, I surrendered every single thing about my house, my kids, what they wore, what they did, and what they ate.  I laid on a couch and let Doug do it all.  I Surrendered!

But the big one came yesterday.  I finally surrendered and said I needed Help - that I couldn't do this thing called parenting an adopted child - alone.  I finally had to admit that my son was sinking in his language skills and that I had nothing left in me to help him.  I raised my white flag when I boldly shared on Facebook (mine as well been the world - haha) my need for help and direction.   The Lord graciously answered through beautiful private messages and comments.  Surrendering felt good.

Today - I followed through with those answers.  I put on my big girl panties and walked myself into a school and said "I surrender".  I am not enough - Zebene needs more than I can give!  Help me!

As I type, I am awaiting a phone call that is supposed to give me an appointment to get my little boy tested at that very school TOMORROW!  How big is our God that when I took that step and finally surrendered my pride enough, he paved the way - quickly - for me to talk with a counselor AND be told they will test him right away!  Surrendering not only feels good - it produces freedom!  Did you hear that song playing again ... "This freedom song, is marching on - We raise our white flag and surrender all to you, all for you!"

I surrender!

I have a feeling I have a lot more to surrender this year.  But, to tell you what that might look like - is also to be more vulnerable than I am ready to admit.   I think I'm off to a good start today and if anything, only 8 days into the year and I know exactly where the Lord is going to concentrate on me.  The next 357 days could get painful.

What about you?  Is the Lord giving you a word or phrase for the year?  Maybe you did set a resolution.  If so, how will you rely on Him to keep it?  I'd love to hear?  Do share!