Accusation reveals Revelation

My passion, my heart is this; adoption and orphan care!  As simple as that may be to read, the reality is, it is anything but simple.
Most recently, it became even more clear to me that saying "yes" is hard ... really hard!

Recently, I shared a video here on my blog.  It was one that hit me right between the eyes.  I couldn't stop thinking about what Lundy had said ... the passion in which he said it, the reality in which he spoke it.   Each day I found myself coming back to it ... hearing him say  ... God responded, "Hunter is mine"! It all rang so loud.  I wanted everyone I knew to watch it!  I wondered ... would it effect them the same way?  Was I crazy?  Surely, they would be affected the way I would.

I shared the video with a group of people I love.  I shared with them my passion, my heart towards seeing the American Church take hold of the Lord's commandment to care for the orphan and widow.  I shared that the reality is, that many believers still don't see these things through the lens of our Father.  It breaks my heart but even greater than mine ... it breaks his.  I shared it all as a prayer that as we move into 2011, that the Lord would continue to awaken our community, inside and outside the walls of our church, or any church for that matter to what the Lord says is "pure and undefiled religion" (James 1:27).  I shared it with a group of people who knew me well ... a group of people who have sat with me across the living room, next to me on the couch and listened as we have shared small pieces of our story and our hearts.

To say the response I received back surprised me is an understatement ...

I received back a rather hateful reply to my thoughts and to my request to watch the video below by one of my friends.  My words were taken out of context and the person receiving them accused me of belittling and preaching down to him.  His e-mail continued with a statement that took me so off guard.  He said that I spoke as if "only I had received great revelations from God".  As I read those words, my world seemed to stop.  I can't explain the hurt that I felt in those moments and couldn't understand why someone who knew me so well would believe that my e-mail asking them to watch the video and pray with me for believers to join together for the cause of the fatherless could be taken with such intent.  I sobbed .... a sloppy, ugly-cry, sob!

I have sat in those words for some time now.  Honestly, I couldn't even understand why the hurt seemed so deep.  But as I have just listened to the voice of my father ... and rejected the voice of the accuser ... I have received a few revelations.

First, I can only assume that the person whom replied to me in such a way is looking through lenses of his own wounds and not through the lens of truth.  I say that because I have been reassured over and over by others who were on the same e-mail that they didn't at all receive my e-mail with that intent and clearly saw my prayer and e-mail for what it was.  If this is the correct assumption, then the reality is, the enemy who has set out to put a wedge in group I love was successful!  He used brokenness and accusations to assault and offend!  I reject that ... in the name of Jesus, I reject his plans!  I also pray that each of us would see how quickly the enemy can use our insecurities and our wounds as a weapon to divide the Kingdom.

Second, there was also somewhat of a realization that perhaps even after spending a great deal of time with someone, they can come away with still not knowing you.  The realization that this friend would think I would have such malice intent in my e-mail makes me wonder if he truly knows my heart.  If he did, then I don't believe the enemy could have so quickly arrested his thoughts towards me.  Maybe he could ... but I still wonder if sometimes when we believe we know someone or they "know us", we don't.   This burdens me ... after such a lengthy, consistent time ... we can still hide behind our veils.

The greatest revelation came with the deepest wound, however,  The greatest revelation came with the words "you believe that only you have had a great revelation from God".   You see, I first took that remark with great offense.  I would in no way tell someone that I had great revelations .. and they didn't.  I saw his words as a dagger, but then as I began to sift those words through my heart, I realized that the greater wound came to the Father himself .. the Father who indeed speaks to me.   Indeed, the Lord has given me great revelations.  He has entrusted me into a place that honestly ... is nothing glorious ... at least not of my Glory!!  Let me explain.

In 2002, the Lord began to plant the seed of adoption in our hearts.  We began to see a vision of a child with almond eyes and black hair.  The vision didn't make sense but we followed and walked through it.  It wasn't an easy journey ... but one filled with some of the most sobering and heart wrenching revelations about myself.  During the journey the Lord had so much to teach me about my heart and honestly, some moments were ugly!  We set out intending to adopt the child the Lord placed in those visions, however, little did we know that the bigger blessing .. or perhaps burden, would be coming away with new eyes and his heart for the fatherless!  Before we adopted, I was much like those that I pray for .. those whose eyes and hearts haven't been arrested for the orphan.  I didn't know the reality of the world ... the reality of so many orphans.  I didn't know or understand the life that 147 million lived.  I didn't even know that their could be so many fatherless.  Most of all ... I didn't know my father's heart for them and I didn't understand that my hands, and my feet were a part of his plan for their hope and future.  I pray for  ... who I once was!   Not in a judging and condemning way, but instead from a place of having once stood with them.    I understand just not knowing.

But in 2006, the day the Lord placed a child in my arms he gave me a revelation.  I looked into a child's eyes and realized that had he not asked and had I not said yes, she could still be an orphan.  In the moments that I first held Maliah, the Spirit of Adoption was birthed in me.  God gave me great revelation ... he allowed me to feel just an inkling what he must have felt the day he adopted me.  I left with his heart.  I went to China to bring home a daughter and came home with so much more than that!  Now, each day I get to watch a child grow and I get to love her for no other reason than the Lord picked me ... a wretched sinner ... to be his hands to hold her, his voice to speak to her, and more importantly, his heart to help carry the burden of her brokenness.

For 4 years since, the Lord has continued to bring me more and more revelations.  I receive e-mails and lengthy lists of children on waiting lists ... children's whose files will go back to the Center of Affairs they came from if someone doesn't step forward to adopt them.  I read through their names ... recently ... 12 of them and wonder if maybe, just maybe, their mine ... or someone's I know.  I lay in bed at night and wonder what more I can do.  I work with ministry's I love as an outlet of doing something more.  You see, the Lord arrested my heart and there is nothing Glorious about it.  In fact, the reality of it is that it's overwhelming and ugly.   I can't get the faces of children out of my head.  I can't set aside what I have seen and what I know.  It often keeps me awake at night.  It often leaves me in tears.  It often makes me question every thing I buy or do.  Could I be doing more ... am I doing enough?  I feel like someone set the house on fire and I'm running around trying to get my neighbors to help put it out.  Some of them are grabbing water and helping ... but some aren't home.  I so need their help and can't wait for them to get home!  The more throwing water at the fire, the more we can get it under control ... or so it feels.

The Lord also gave me (us) another great revelation recently.  He showed me a vision of a child with black skin.  He then used my 10 year old son to confirm that that child was in Ethiopia.  In the words of my son, "he has a brother".  We wait now to know who he is.  We wait now to travel and see the place of his birth.  We wait now and wonder who is caring for him.  We pray he is without disease.  We pray he is being fed.  We pray that the days that he spent or spends without a family doesn't leave him so broken that our love won't mend his heart.  We trust that the Lord will do the mending and know the reality of how hard the road ahead might be.
This revelation doesn't come as one of glory to myself either.  In reality, I'm scared to death.  I have no clue how the Lord will equip me to care for four children.  I'm scared to death about bringing home an older child and what the attachment and issues might mean.  I am burdened every day I think of him and know he's out there ... without me.  But just as I look into the eyes of my Maliah I know ... what if I said "No", I'd miss out on HIM and all he has to reveal to me and through me on this journey!  The Lord gave me a revelation that he had a son for me ... we are following ... and not for our glory but for HIS!

This friend accused me of receiving some great revelation of God.  He accused me of thinking more highly of myself for that.  I suppose if he asked again, I'd have to answer him this.  Yes, I do believe I have received a great revelation God.  No, I don't believe that others haven't received the same.  In fact, I have so many amazing friends I've met along the way that share in the burdens, in the joys and in the journey of this walk.  I know so many ... ones even reading this right now who carry the same weight I feel.  No, I don't think nor would never assume that one must adopt in order to receive his heart ... but I do know that for me, it's the place and the journey that gave me his eyes and his heart.  And yes, I know many many who fight and defend the cause of the Fatherless and have never adopted.  I know many many who have grabbed the fire house and are yelling as loud as I am ... The house is on fire!

I would also say to my friend that I forgive his remarks ... but I hope he isn't offended when I say  "I have received a Great Revelation from God ... one you can never take away .... one that has made me and molded me into who I am, one in which I will never apologize for".