He answered ...

I wanted to take a moment to address something that has been running around in my mind over the past few days. It began with a young, precious boy asking my son "do you guys just want more kids", when he told him he was going to have a brother ... that we were adopting again. I happened to be within ears shot of the conversation, and immediately, the response of this little guy began to stir my heart. I answered for Canyon in that moment with "No, it's not about wanting more kids", however, I wasn't sure why his innocent remark left me pondering and a little taken back.

I have meditated on that for a bit and really felt like the Lord had an answer for me. This sweet guy was just a child so his response was totally age appropriate, but I felt like I wanted to share with any others who have that same thought process, what he has shared with me.

No, the journey to Levi isn't about wanting more kids. In fact, my heart is full as is my home. The day Canyon was born, my desire to be called Mommy was fulfilled. I was a Mom ... I can't even explain the overwhelming fullness that rested in my heart. If the Lord never blessed me with another child, he had filled that desire.

The day Dakota was born, my desire to parent a beautiful little girl was fulfilled ... we officially could buy dresses, buy barbies, and think all things PINK! That longing to hold a daughter was fulfilled.

Then the Lord called us to Maliah. We prayed for two years about adopting Maliah. Battling in our heart back and forth if he was truly calling us on such a journey. Adoption was unknown, new, the road less traveled. It didn't make sense, frankly ... I could conceive. We wanted a third child. We didn't feel like our family was complete. Yes, I began to feel as though there was something missing in my heart .. was it not yet full? I guess in this young man's simple child language "We wanted more kids". We are certain that the Lord knows and knew from the beginning of time that Maliah would be a part of our family. He tells us in Psalm 139 that our days are numbered and that he knows every one of them before they have come to be. If this were the case, then he knew about Maliah long before we did and so the seed in my heart was placed there by HIM and that seed was HER. In any event, much of our adoption to Maliah was learning to walk in faith with him on a journey that well "didn't make sense".
When Maliah came home, our home felt FULL! As with every child, she filled a place in my heart that I didn't know needed filling. The Lord knew though ... I believe he knows my quiver and when it is full.

Very soon after Maliah came home our adoption agency that we were working with (and still do), began sending out information on the pending Ethiopia program. Immediately, my heart fluttered and I felt drawn to read everything I could on the program and the process.
I remember doing an adoption fair in January of that next year. Ethiopia was a brand new program. I was so excited to tell everyone about it ... wouldn't their hearts be drawn there as much as mine? Perhaps some were. Indeed, I watched families I adored (my Bestie's the Foote's) and others begin the journey. I watched as their children came home. Each time, I looked into the faces of their children and felt a tug.
Doug and I talked often of Ethiopia. I wanted to GO! Every time Visiting Orphans posted a mission trip ... I begged for him to send me. I never felt like the timing was right though and so I patiently waited on the Lord.
During those 3 years, we had a few ask us if we'd adopt again. Several times I stood next to my husband as he would say "We're always open if the Lord calls us to". But we never pursued it ... our home felt FULL ... and no, I didn't feel the need to have "more kids".
A few months back, Amanda with Visiting Orphans e-mailed to say that once again they were posting trips for the 2011 year. My heart was so excited. I waited several days and when she posted the trips, I saw one in February. Asking Doug if I could go ... he agreed "GO"! FINALLY I would see and experience Ethiopia. FINALLY I would hold precious children and serve the least of these. FINALLY! A few days went by and to my surprise, Doug came to me and felt like he wanted to go too. I bubbled in excitement. There would be NOTHING better than experiencing all I would with my best friend! But is that really what the Lord meant when he said "GO? Hmmm, we would soon learn that there was something more!

During the same time our conversations of adoption began to increase. Our children have even asked about it. Canyon has outright told us he wanted a brother. Opportunities have come our way. We searched the faces of beautiful children in Haiti on a list of children that needed homes. Looking into each of their eyes, my heart was burdened. I knew they needed homes ... but none of them were my child. You see, it wasn't simply about "having more kids" or an emotional response to a need I know exists ... for every orphan to have a home.
I don't think adoption is simply about "wanting more kids". I don't think the goal of caring for the orphan is simply adding them to my family out of an emotional response. If that were the case, then I wonder if my heart would fully be engaged. I think it would feel like simple obedience, which I know is a part of the process ... but often, it's the answer ... not the question.

I believe that the Lord knows who my child, who my SON is!
His calling us to Levi isn't of my own desire to have another child. On the contrary, every aspect of adding another child to our home frightens me. Can I really be the Mom of FOUR? Do I have what it takes? Can we afford it? Will I be able to provide for four the way I would like to? I have had to really pray through the fact that I know that to add another child means further laying down my own life. We are comfortable. We live comfortably in a nice home. We drive two paid for cars, live a life of no debt, stay within our means ... balance all eggs I guess. But the Lord has called us out of comfort and has asked us step into this journey with him.
I don't think it's because he simply wanted to fill my home with more kids ... I know this is what the Lord is calling us to ... because he has birthed and conceived in my heart a son. Yes, I have to choose to obey but the result of me not doing so isn't simply just not "adding another child" to my home. The result would be me missing out on a SON!

Do you understand what I am saying? I'm not certain that I truly have the ability to relay his heart and his word for me last night but as I lay in bed, his voice was so clear. It was such a comfort. I HEARD HIM!!!!!

I heard the Lord say clearly that this adoption or any adoption isn't an emotional response to when someone sees a need.
I believe in the scriptures as truth. I believe that the Lord has known Levi and every day set before him before one of them came to be. In believing that, I also was struck last night as I lay in bed that for THREE years now I have felt a tug and a tie to a country I have never seen or experienced. I have had a soft place in my heart for it's people.
Did you know that we put in for a son who is anywhere between 3 and 5? Do you think it's a coincidence that the Lord began to plant a seed in my heart THREE years ago? Do you think it's a coincidence that separately and independently, Doug and I both knew our child wasn't a baby but that our child was in the 3-5 age range. I don't. I believe that the Lord was conceiving and knitting together Levi, while at the same time ... birthing him in our hearts.

No, to the sweet child that asked such a simple question "Do you think you just need more kids"? We don't think we just need more kids. We need our SON! We are in pursuit of the child the Lord has birthed and conceived in our hearts ... not out of an emotional response to the need for an orphan to have a home, but out of the same response that would take place as if conception had literally taken place in my womb. We are pregnant ... right now, you can't even see my belly, but he's there!
The cells are growing and dividing and soon we'll hear the heart beat. We can't wait to feel him kick. I know the nights of endless sleep and discomfort will come. I can't wait for Labor and Delivery. I can't wait to study his little fingers and toes. I can't wait to learn his cries. I know it won't be easy. I know that delivery means sleepless nights. I also know it means learning a new normal around our home. BUT, we're ready, conception has taken place and there is no turning back now!

Levi, what I know, is that you are out there! My heart is engaged to it's fullest because I KNOW that you are somewhere in a place called Ethiopia. I entrust that the Lord is caring for your every need. I hope he whispers to you that we're coming!
Indeed, Levi ... your days have been numbered!!