You are wanted ...

"Why did she abandon me"?

These were the words uttered out of a small framed 6 year old little girl.  As her Daddy walked along side her on a sweet "pajama" walk, these words of his young girl took him off guard.   He had known there would be a day she would ask more questions.  He had known there would be a day that telling his little girl that "God grew her in another Mommy's tummy" would not be all she needed to hear ... would not be enough for her curious heart.  He had prepared for this moment and yet, still, it had hit him like a 100 bricks.  Gulp, the lump in the throat appeared.   Where in the world had she even heard the word "abandoned"?

  That girl ... is mine.

  These moments are ours.

Our almond eyed girl is full of questions.   It started around 5 when I found her in her room in tears.  When asked what she was crying about, she confided in me that she missed her "birth Mommy" and didn't know why.   The pain was real.  The ache was big and for me - I found no greater joy than sitting and holding her and telling her how thankful I was that she was "Chosen" for us.  I found no greater joy than validating her pain and sorrow.  I found no greater joy than letting her know that while I didn't understand her pain and sadness ... that if I let my mind imagine what that must feel like to not know your birth Mommy and to miss her so much - that the truth was, I think it would feel like too much to bare.  I also had the privilege of letting her know that she could always share her sadness with me and I would do whatever I could to share in it ... though I understood that I would never truly know the depths of it.  Her greatest loss in life was one of my greatest blessings.  There is such irony in the world of adoption.  Without trauma and tragedy - I wouldn't know this beautiful girl.  I am "thankful" and "Joyful" to be able to sit and share in these moments - the same moments that are a result of a trauma and loss that leaves my little girl's heart with gaping holes.   I "celebrate" referral days with sweet precious memories stored in my heart of how amazing it was to finally see her face.  We celebrate "Gotcha Days" with gusto - the day we finally held our baby girl... the same "Gotcha Day" that must have been the most terrifying and confusing day for that same baby girl.  The Gotcha Day that inflicted one more "Trauma" in her life is a sweet moment that we have hung as a canvas picture in our home.   UGH!

During the past two years, my girl has begun to question her identity and with irony, I will tell you that not only have we embraced that - but we have enjoyed it!  It's moments like these that take my breathe away.   It's these moments - when she opens up her little heart and tells us her greatest secrets and fears ... that let's me know that this girl will be alright.  What irony in that!

As we put her to bed one night, she began to cry.  Asking her what was the matter ... she confided that she was sad and thought a lot about her birth Mommy.  Together, the three of us sat in her bed - Mommy, Daddy and our beautiful girl.  She shared openly her heart and then she said "can I show you something ... can I tell you a secret"?  Getting up, she climbed out of her bed and opened her drawer full of socks.  Digging for a bit, she returned with a stack of papers and with a gleam in her eye - she began to open them, one by one.  She began to read to us the letters she had written and the pictures she had drawn for a birth Mommy she missed and longed to know.   Together, we sat and talked together about what it would be like if the Lord did allow us to meet her one day.  Together, we dreamed!

On that day she asked about being "abandoned", her Daddy told her about a government and the policies that might have led to her mother choosing to place her to be found.  A week later, my girl returned from school with a picture she had drawn.  Showing me her art, she began to explain the 4 people in the drawing ... her birth Daddy, her birth Mommy, she and a "brother or sister".  Turning over the drawing, she read aloud "Dear Mommy, is my sibling a boy or a girl"?  Putting the pieces of the puzzle together, she had come to the conclusion herself that if her birth Mommy had left her to be found - and that a "one child policy" might be the reason ... then she was the second and that meant she had a sibling.  WOW!

My girl longs to know "Who" her birth Mommy is.  We all do.  We might not ever know that information.   The likely hood that this will happen is very small.  And so ... often I take my girl to the scriptures from Psalm 139: 13-16 for comfort "For your created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, When I was woven together in the depths of the earth - your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  
I have done this a hundred times and yet one night ... it's as though those same scriptures truly began to come alive.
As we sat on the floor reading her kids bible, the story shared this same passage.  She had been asking lots of questions over the week about her birth mommy and us not knowing who she might be.  She had shared in that week that she wished and prayed that one day - the Lord would take her to China and let them meet.  I had always responded that the Lord knows her ... even if we do not.
On this night, As we read her story and this passage - she stopped me suddenly.  Looking over at her, her almond eyes had become as round as two quarters.  Clinching my arm she said "If he saw me and knew me when I was being made in my birth Mommy's tummy ... then he DOES know who she is"!!
It was as though in those moments that the scriptures we had read 100 times were being read for the first time.  In those moments, the Lord had opened her heart and her mind and they became the truth she needed to know.  She looked up over the pages of her story and said "I'm going to memorize that one" ... and she did!

In the past few weeks, I discovered a new song on the radio station I listen to - "You are wanted" is the title.  Each time it came on, it was as though the Lord would speak right into my ear and say "This one is for your girl".  The song begins with the lyrics;

From the day you were born and took your first breath

You opened your eyes and in came the light

He was watching you

But all of your life, you couldn't shake the lies in your head

Saying you're a mistake

Oh, but you were made

By a God who knows your name

He doesn't make mistakes

You were wanted ...

The song is awesome.  Be sure to listen to it.  Anyhooo.  One day, as the song came on, I turned to Maliah in the car and pointed at her "This is your song.  I want you to listen to every lyric ... God wants you to know these things".  Sheepishly she grinned trying to hide the delight she had in being made the center of attention.  She listened and didn't say much.  Each time we got in the car, that same song would come on (not so ironically).  Each time, I would point to her again and say "Here's your song".  

Days of this went by.  Then, on Monday morning as I drove to drop her off at day camp, it came on again.  This time, however, she pointed to me and said ...

"This song is for me.  It says you want me.  It says I'm not a mistake.  It says - God wanted me too"

Something about that moment.  Something about the confidence in her words.  The Lord is working on my girl's heart.   When He says in the bible that He'll make beauty from ashes, that He'll turn our sorrow to joy and mourning to dancing ... it's true ... IT. IS. TRUE.  

My girl is going to be o.k.  

You can hear the song "You are wanted" here.  

The new "PAIR" process for Ethiopia

If you are keeping up with Ethiopia adoptions then you know things are constantly changing.  This is the case for any sending country, really.  This information was given by my agency recently to Associates (those of us who put on seminars etc.).  It was also sent to our families currently in process.  I thought I'd put it out there in the event you are with another agency that hasn't fully explained this to you yet, you are researching and learning the ins and outs or if you are a praying soul who is willing to continue lifting this program and the children waiting for families to the Lord.

Here goes:

Earlier this week, we shared a blog post (USCIS Implements Pre-Adoption Immigration Review (PAIR) for Ethiopia Cases) regarding some changes in how USCIS and Ethiopia will process immigrations approvals for adopted children.  USCIS hosted a call yesterday to discuss the implementation of the Pre-Adoption Immigration Review (PAIR) process.  America World staff participated in this call to learn about this process and how it will affect the Ethiopian adoptions. While the call did provide new information, there are still details that we will not know until the process is completely implemented.  In the new PAIR system, USCIS will review and provide a pre-approval of immigration eligibility to the adoptive family on behalf of the child that they desire to adopt.  This pre-approval has been referenced as the PAIR letter.  Starting September 1st, it is expected that the Ethiopian government’s Ministry of Women’s Children and Youth Affairs will require each adoptive family to have a PAIR letter prior to submitting a recommendation letter to the First Federal Instance Court . Please see below to get a comparative view between the current process and the soon to be implemented PAIR process. Current Process PAIR process Family accepts referral Family accepts referral In-country staff obtains referral agreement between the agency and orphanage -In-country staff obtains referral agreement between the agency and orphanage. -Family submits the I-600 form and supporting documentation (including but not limited to the referral agreement, translated and Amharic documentation on child’s background history and clearances, and family’s documentation) to the National Benefits Center (NBC) lockbox in the United States.  -NBC will examine all the documentation and either issue a Request for Evidence (RFE) or move forward with the Embassy’s portion of the approval process. 4-6 weeks expected timeline for completion. -Once the initial NBC review is complete, the US Embassy will complete the I-604 investigation of orphan status (may include birth relative or finder interview at the US Embassy in Addis if applicable). They gave a 4-6 week expected timeline for completion. -Once the I-604 investigation is successfully completed, the PAIR determination will be completed and approval letter will be issued. In-country staff submits family's case/match to court, which includes submitting the family and child's documentation in addition to the matching agreement In-country staff submits family's case/match to court with the PAIR approval letter 6-12 weeks after court submission, the initial MOWCYA/birth parent court date takes place No Changes At this court date, MOWCYA aims to complete a favorable or non-favorable letter regarding the match.  This letter is then sent to the Federal First Instance Court. No Changes  Once the MOWCYA/Birth parent court date has taken place and a favorable MOWCYA recommendation letter has been submitted to court, the court subpoenas the adoptive family to court. No Changes Trip 1: The adoptive family court date is typically 2-4 weeks after the initial MOWCYA/birth parent court date.  No Changes  The family fills out and submits the I-600 form to the US Embassy in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia during their court trip. The I-600 has already been completed and will not be filled out by the family while in Ethiopia. -In-country staff obtains post-court paperwork (court decree, new birth certificate, and passport) for the child.  Additionally, the child's Embassy medical exam is completed.  This process typically takes 3-4 weeks to complete. -This information is all submitted to the US Embassy. The Embassy completes an I-604 investigation of orphan status . This process takes days – 3 weeks to complete -In-country staff obtains post-court paperwork (court decree, new birth certificate, and passport) for the child.  Additionally, the child's Embassy medical exam is completed.  This process typically takes 3-4 weeks to complete. -This information is all submitted to the US Embassy. The Embassy completes a final review of the case to ensure post-court paperwork matches documentation submitted with family’s I600 application. We are hopeful this process will just take a few days. Trip 2: Once the US Embassy reviews and approves the I-600 application and finishes the I604 Investigation, the family can travel back to Ethiopia to obtain a US Visa for their child. Current families are travelling back for their 2nd trip close to 4-7 weeks after they pass court. Trip 2: Once the US Embassy completes their final review, the family can travel back to Ethiopia to obtain a US Visa for their child. The timeline for travelling back for the second trip may be a bit shorter, closer to 3-6 weeks. FAQs: Will timeframes lengthen due to this change? ·        Yes, based on what USCIS has noted, it looks like there will be at least an additional 2-4 months between referral and the initial court date.  There may be a decrease in the amount of time between passing court and the 2nd trip by a week or two.  Current and future timeframes: ·   Current: 8-14 weeks between Referral Acceptance and travelling for court::  under PAIR the timeframes will likely be 16-26 weeks ·   Current: 4-6 months between Referral Acceptance and coming home:: under PAIR the timeframes will likely be 8-10 months. ·        Unfortunately, this could likely elongate the time between dossier submission and referral depending on the amount of extra time we are holding children in our Transition Home between referral and adoption finalization.  If the Transition Home is full, we will not be able to bring new children in. Will the PAIR letter need to be authenticated? ·        We are not sure yet whether or not MOWCYA and the Ethiopian courts will require this letter to be authenticated/certified.  It is likely thought that authentication of this letter will be needed. Will this turn the process into a one-trip process? ·        At this time, we do not feel this will allow for a one-trip process due to the timeframe between court approval and visa approval still taking roughly 3 to 5 weeks.  Because the US Embassy wants to do a second review after a family passes court, and as the post court paperwork will still take a few weeks to complete, the second trip will not be easily condensed into one trip as we hoped. Is the I600 different than the I600A? ·        Yes, these are two different forms.  The I-600A is filled out during the paper chasing stage of the adoption process and is not associated with this change.  This new PAIR processing affects the I-600 process which is typically submitted while the family is in Ethiopia for their first trip.  However, now it will be completed in the United States at the time of referral. Will this cause fee increases? ·        America World will continue to doe as much as possible to keep fees low for families while also providing the services needed for children and families.  Depending on how much additional time children need to stay in the Transition Home due to the new PAIR review, this could cause a need for the international program fee to increase.  Again, we do not know many more details about what this will look like but wanted to share what USCIS noted on the call with you.  This will go into effect starting September 1st; therefore families not submitted to court prior to September 1st will be under the new PAIR process. Please note, each year we see the Ethiopian courts close for close to two months during the end of summer/early fall.  We suspect they will likely close August 6th through early October of this year; however the dates have not yet been made official.

The secret to a Waltz

Over the past 9 years, I have met some amazing people in the adoption journey.  Each of them has a story to tell that is a living and breathing testimony to God's grace, mercy and never ending love!  Each family has been brought to adoption through different circumstances.  Some out of the desire to be a Mom and Dad (infertility), some out of obedience and some because "they had room" (Do you know how many children lack a home and family?)  Each of them, however, hope to have the same ending to their story ... a "Happily Ever After".

In recent conversations with friends, my hubby and through the overwhelming response I have received from this post,  I am learning that while our circumstances and stories are all very different, we all went into the process believing and hoping for the same ending results.  When you add a child to your family, you think of that child loving you as much as you love them in return.  Adopting families seek out, pursue and dream of their child-to-be,  already full of a love that most outsiders cannot understand.  That hefty pile of paperwork and home study might just look like "paper" to the outsider, but to an adopting family, it represents a child and a dream that is growing in our hearts with each cross of a T, dot of an "i" and fingerprint smudge.  We love them before we even know their faces ... and truthfully, we also have expectations for them and the place they will fill in our lives, even before we know their names.

There is one problem.  They don't have the same dream!

Then ... they come home.  Then ... life begins.  Then ... we are crushed, disheartened and frustrated.  Life begins and the "hard" of the adoption process becomes real.   We begin to realize, often, that our children don't appreciate us, don't want or don't know how to love us and they fail every. single. expectation we had set for them.

We grieve the loss of our dream.  With all the "hard" of the adoption process, the hardest part is the one we secretly would never ever share ... they don't live up to what we had imagined.  This doesn't "feel" or "look" like we thought it would.   You might be thinking we were ill prepared.  We weren't.  You might be thinking, we went in with rose colored glasses - perhaps.  But what we did do is - we read, studied and learned and took all the classes we could about all that "attachment stuff" and "adoption parenting".  It was only after we got home did we realize that some things just can't be taught.  There is one thing missing in all that "education".  The reality of the heart.  Things only become personal and real when their is a cost.  This time, the cost is our heart and that hurts.   We set out with a dream and a desire to love and be loved.  We learn all about what "behaviors" our children might come to us with prepared for the battle ahead - but no one ever tells you about the one place where the armor of education can't reach and protect - the heart.   Truthfully, you can't teach hurt and you can't "teach" what the heart will feel in the process of redemption.

In our own grief and struggle over a lost dream, we often fail to remember that our children are grieving something even greater ... the loss of a family!  As much as we might want to turn our heads, our "blessing" of adoption was the result of our child's greatest tragedy!

Maybe the problem isn't our kids .... maybe it's time we re-set OUR expectations for them!

As I stood visiting with a new friend on Easter, we immediately began conversing over the one thing that was very obvious we had in common - adoption.  Her son, who came to her at birth, was a beautiful little 3.5 year old little boy.   She swooned over him and gushed in the amount of love she had for her son.  In our conversation, she shared that they were in the process to add more children to their family ... this time, through the foster/adoption system.   She shared her one fear of that process... That "these kids will remember their families and I don't know if I can handle sharing the role of Mommy".  That's what she said ... but this is what she really meant

 ... "I'm scared they won't love me the way I need (or expect) them to love me".

This precious woman also began to share that her first born was adopted at "birth" and therefore, "she didn't have any of these concerns with him because we are the only family he will ever remember.

That's when it really hit me!  That's when the truth of all of this stared at me right before my eyes.  In those moments, the Lord used that new friend to speak to my heart and I believe, for me to speak to hers.

This is my message to her heart:

Didn't you say you wanted more than one child?  If that is the case, then you are believing that the Lord has given you enough room in your heart to love more than one child.
The same is true of our children.  I believe, the Lord can give them enough room in their hearts for more than one Mommy.  Whether their story and that Mommy is a good, bad, or an ugly one ... that is their Mommy.  We cannot and should not ever want to take that away from our child.  In fact, our children should not only be given permission but encouraged to love them!  That Momma, gave them life!  Whether adopted at birth or at 10 ... that sweet Momma is very much a part of their story!  If we fail to recognize how important this is ... then we fail to love them in the fullness of who they are!

And this is what the Lord spoke into MY heart.

He used her worries and fears of rejection to show me that where I was struggling most ... was with my own rejection.  I had, unknowingly set expectations for Z that he could not and would not ever fulfill.   Oh, for sure, he is struggling and acting out all sorts of attachment behaviors (expected).  But the truth is, while some of those behaviors are painfully annoying at times, it's actually the result of those behaviors that I am struggling with.  Yep, rejection hurts.  Rejection makes room for us to build up our own walls.  And what I am learning is, that same rejection makes it difficult for us to attach to them!

unrealistic expectations = my rejection = my broken heart = me building up walls to not get hurt more = me not attaching to Z = him not attaching to me.

Remember that "Attachment Dance" ... I now know who is leading.

The expectations of my heart!   I'm re-setting my expectations in hopes that we can move from dancing with two left feet, into a Waltz that finds a newer and smoother rhythm.

The attachment dance

"I want new Mommy" he says as he pushes me away from giving him a good-night kiss.  Putting his hand over his face to block the in coming kiss, he turns his head away from me and into the pillow.  I know he's angry at me.  This, the punishment he returns for discipline given.  I know he's angry, but the truth is - sticks and stones will break my bones AND words do indeed, hurt me.

One year, one month and 22 days.  That has been "our Forever" together and yet, it feels like so much longer.   I work to look back over the year - to see progress made - but that night, the only thing I see is the dark dark cloud that resides in my heart and over my house.

Adoption is hard.  Redemption sucks!  The enemy ... he's ruthless!

 The hard, unspoken, ugly truths of adoption often go unmentioned.  Who would put out there for all the world to see and know the things that really happen in our homes or in our hearts?  I mean, for heaven's sake, we're all so busy spreading the need and blessing of adoption so that you will adopt ... that we neatly and conveniently post only the fun, the cute, and the aww moments on our Facebook status's.  Our blogs are full of all the special occasions, "Firsts" through their eyes and the beautiful side of adoption.  Besides, the truth is, the truth makes us me feel ashamed.  For months, sometimes years, we've asked for your prayers, cried and pushed through each step of the long journey and dreamed of that picture perfect "gotcha" moment of when we'd finally meet and be a family.  If we told you that now that we were home, we were frustrated, you'd be frustrated.  If we told you that some days we wished we had never done this, you might judge us.  If we told you that the reality is, sometimes you don't just love them instantly, you'd question our hearts.  And worse yet ... if we told you these truth's, you might not adopt.

But the truth is ....

•  When you say "Wow, he talks so much" or "he can say so many words" - your right!  But the truth is, he talks that much because he is struggling with attachment issues.  A kid who incessantly talks is also a kid who needs to have the attention always on him/her.  This is absolutely exhausting and well, frankly, knowing it stems from such brokenness, it is crushingly sad.  

•   When you say "He's so inquisitive", the truth is, his 500 questions he's just asked is because once again, he has attachment issues.  RAD (reactive attachment disorder) lists a child who asks incessant questions or "asks questions that he/she already knows the answer to" as one of the indicators of many on the list for RAD.   This is not only exhausting, but heart breaking.  Attachment is a dance and a process.  Some days, I don't know whose leading and whose following.  I do know ... it feels more like a race that doesn't have a finish line.  The truth is, sometimes, that feels defeating.  

•  "Aww, he's so affectionate" you say as he puts his hand into yours and walks away with you.  The truth is, what you didn't see was how he turned his head around and smiled a callous smile at me as you walked away.  You didn't see the manipulation in what you thought was a sweet gesture.  You didn't see that he/she was using you to manipulate/hurt me as one more test ... "will she stay"? (because you also didn't know/understand what happens in a child's heart when they've been abandoned)  You also didn't know that often these kids will "Mommy shop" because they've had so many caretakers in their life.  The Mom, me - just another Nanny.   What does that mean?   It means that he/she has no clue what a Mommy is.  The truth is,  He/she isn't being affectionate with you because you are special.  No, he/she has no clue the proper boundaries and you are just another "Nanny" that will give them what they need/want.   Now is that moment as cute?  The truth is hard and sometimes, painful.  

•  "Wow, she's/he's such a leader" you say.   The truth is, she/he struggles with control issues.  Her/his inability to follow, her/his desire to always be the one in charge and the fact that she/he is always "helping you", isn't because she's/he's just helpful.  If she's/he's helping ... she's/'he's the one in control.   This too an attachment issue.   Being a leader is a positive quality.  Being someone that has to control everyone and everything around them at all times is a stronghold.  

• The truth is, the kid isn't the only one who can have attachment disorders.   This is an adoption reality that I am learning the hard way.   The truth is, love and attachment is a two way street.  Just as they have to learn to love and trust us - we have to learn and trust them.   The truth is, many days I still feel like their is a stranger living in my home.  Many days, I am still wondering where those parents are of the kid that was dropped off 1 year, one month and 22 days ago.  I am learning that love is as process and it may not happen over night.   The truth is, this feels shameful and many days the enemy uses this truth to tell me that I am a horrible Mom.

•   The truth is, often kids adopted at an older age will lie, cheat and steal.  This is because it's the only thing they have ever learned and was absolutely necessary to survive.  The truth is, I have watched so so many families dealing with these strongholds and they alone, begin to destroy a family.  These habits are incredibly hard to break.   The enemy knows this.  He's ruthless I said!  

• The truth is, even after you've read all the books on attachment, done all the coursework and gone through the process ... it is still a constant struggle every day to figure out if the behavior your child is exhibiting is a 'personality trait" or an "adoption related attachment issue".  The truth is, parenting a child by adoption is like a massive puzzle with lots of missing pieces ... that you may never find.  

Adoption is the by-product and God's solution to brokenness.  The first sin of Adam and Eve separated us from our loving God and forced us to be cast out of the Garden.  Because of our lies and sin, we were no longer worthy to be in His presence.  Only through the blood of Jesus, were our sins washed clean.  Only through the death on the cross, were we able to be adopted as sons and daughters.  The truth is, our own adoption process was brutal, bloody, shameful and hard.  

The truth is, it's THIS truth that keeps me going each day!  He paid a price for me.  He gave up his own life for me!  The truth is, adoption is not only hard but there is nothing comfortable/convenient about it. 

Wasn't for him ... why should it be for me?  

Someone once told me that they thought it was "fair" and "right" that a family would pay as much as they did for the International Adoption process.  To them, if the child was worth it .. the family would be willing to "sacrifice" ... that their finances were their "investment".  

I've been thinking about that for a while and have but one thing to say ...  the sacrifice of adoption is our lives.  He laid down his life for me - and through the adoption of our child/children, we have to lay down our lives for them.  I don't know a greater sacrifice or a greater investment than that.  

The truth is ... even in all these truth's, it's still worth it!