Tuesday, July 23, 2013

A Good Field

"The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field.  But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away.  When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.  The owners servants came to him and said "Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field?  Where then did the weeds come from?"  
"An enemy did this"  he replied.  The servants asked him, "Do you want us to go and pull them up?"
No, he answered, because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them.  Let both grow together until harvest.  At that time I will tell the harvesters; First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn."  
Matthew 13: 24-29

As I sat on the front porch today overlooking our front yard, my mind drifted to this passage.  A year ago this week, we moved into our little hill country gem.  When we first closed and arrived here, we knew the home needed some work to make it the way we wanted it.  For one, the landscaping and yard had been greatly neglected.  There was no real grass to speak of.  Brown and burnt up from the hot July sun for certain - but more than that, we learned it really had never been watered in all the time the last family lived here.  The previous owners had laid a foundation of Burmuda grass - we could tell, but without the right care it hadn't survived or thrived.  The middle of the circle drive had actually been used to park a vehicle or two.   The land in the center was beaten down and quite compacted.  Anything that was growing there were weeds.

As I looked out on to this today ... my mind drifted into thinking how much that green grass resembled our lives.


Humor me while I try to describe the ramblings in my head ... 

First,  our spiritual life is so much like that grass.  Left unwatered and unattended, it dries up.  We can even lay the foundation of good grass (accepting Christ), but unless we fertilize, water and care for it - the runners of that grass will never sprout and we will never see the fruits of that foundation. If the  roots of that grass never deepen, we will be left with dry, brittle ground.  Once we do begin to water and care for the grass (time in the word and with the Lord) , a crazy thing begins to appear - weeds begin to appear first - or at the very least, become much more noticeable.  Our lives are the same.  As we grow into relationship with the Lord, we begin to realize how much sin has crept into our lives.  The behaviors and things we once thought were o.k. (because they are by the world's standards) all of a sudden begin to stand out.  It's not pretty ... why must the weeds appear first?   If a sin and stronghold has been allowed to sit on our grass (remember that parking spot), the land becomes even more dry and harder.  As does our hearts.  It takes quite a bit of water and time to even begin to see the runners from the grass around those spots to send out it's shoots and begin to fill in those spots.  It may also take outside help ...  dirt filled with extra nutrients and fertilizers creates a space filled with good soil for those runners to grow.  The process can be tedious and long.  It may seem like they will never fill in.  For us - a year later, we still have bare spots that lack grass.   Each night, we water.  We fertilize, we spray weed control and we tend to that grass.  It doesn't happen over night and to be honest, the process is costly - but worth it!   With time, as the grass begins to take root and grow deeper roots, the weeds in our lives (and that grass) begin to be choked out.  The healthier the grass is - the less weeds we begin to see.  Healthy grass and deep roots create even more runners and with time - those bare dirt spots begin to fill in.   The fruit of all that work is a beautiful and lush yard for all to enjoy.

As I sat staring at the green grass in front of me, I was reminded of the many weeds in my own life.  In college, I said YES to the Lord.  I accepted him into my heart.   Since that time, I have grown dry and brittle patches over various periods of time.  I have noticed that when I haven't watered, fertilized and tended to myself through time with God's word, through worship and community with others who share the same heart - not only has my grass grown dry and brittle, but big empty spots have appeared.

Another thought of that passage is that this parable that Jesus is teaching does not refer to unbelievers in the professing church but rather the field in his message is the world.  He is talking about the people of the Kingdom living side by side with the people of the non-believing world.  Although the Kingdom will seem to have an insignificant beginning, it will eventually spread throughout the world.  Although when we arrived a year ago, we could barely see small blades of the once planted Burmuda grass ... with a lot of attention, watering, nurturing and taking care of - that grass has grown deeper roots, spread it's runners and now, there are far less weeds and that lush green grass you see is slowly taking over.

 So the question is, as a Believer in this world, are you brittle grass that lacks proper care?  How are you caring for your roots?  If you aren't, the weeds will take over you ... and the area around you.  You won't be effective and there will be very little evidence that you exist.  But - if you tend to your grass properly, you might find that your grass will grow thick, the weeds will be smothered out and the Kingdom of heaven will expand all around you.

Get to fertilizing and watering!!  What are you waiting for?   Have some great ideas to make those roots grow deep - do share.  I'm always looking for new fertilizer.


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

On a Mission ...

missionary is a member of a religious group sent into an area to do evangelism or ministries of service ] The word "mission"  derived from the Latin missionem (nom. missio), meaning "act of sending" or mittere, meaning "to send".[3] The word was used in light of its biblical usage; in the Latin translation of the Bible, Christ uses the word when sending the disciples to preach in his name.


Today, I sent out a missionary and indeed, as the definition holds - he's heading out to to evangelize, minister in service and through his acts of love and kindness (and only use words when necessary) will preach Jesus's name.   This missionary is 13!  This missionary is my precious boy - Canyon.  

This isn't his first mission by any stretch of the imagination.  He first stepped into the field right here in San Antonio, Texas.  At the very young age of 7, Canyon began going with Doug and I each and every Tuesday night to spend time with a group of Somali Refugees that had been settled here in San Antonio.  We worked with a wonderful ministry under the leadership of some of the most amazing cross-cultural disciplers and teachers I know.  During those two years and with each teaching - each example, Canyon would soak in every single word.    Each week, we'd show up at an apartment complex that, if one didn't know better, you'd thought you'd been taken right into Somalia itself.   We loved it!  Canyon loved it!  Canyon would show up each week on the field and hit the ground running ... literally.  He'd play soccer until his legs could barely keep up, sing worship songs with a bunch of rambunctious kids and at the end of their "play" time, the boys group would sit around a tree and Doug would teach a lesson about our faith to our special friends.   We, followers of Jesus, had the awesome opportunity to share our faith with our Muslim friends and to learn of their faith/comparison to ours as we honored them during times of Ramadan etc.  

I will never forget one week during the summer when we were working hard to get school supplies gathered for all the kids.  As we prepared each bag, I asked Canyon "why are we doing this"?  He gave me the token  Sunday school answer "Jesus says so" .  I grinned - of course he was right ... but what did that mean?    Digging further I asked him, "But WHY does he say to do this"?  Canyon, whom has shown to have a faith far beyond his years from a very early age began to think a bit.  During his time on the soccer field he had befriended a precious boy named Hassan.  Hassan was older than Canyon but for some reason - had a true affection and affinity for him.   Most of the boys were much older and bigger than Canyon (though he could definitely hold his own on that field) and Hassan had seemingly taken to becoming Canyon's defender and protector each week.  They had created a special friendship very quick, one that held a special place in Canyon's heart.  
So ... as he began to think, I began ask questions of Canyon and his knowledge of scripture.   sharing with Canyon that Hassan was of a different faith, one that worshipped a God named "Allah",  I began to ask Canyon of  Jesus's response in John 14:6  and with eagerness he began to recite, "I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.    "Exactly," I told Canyon.  "And if this is so, what does this mean for your friend, Hassan, who worships another God"?   Canyon's eyes began to water and tear.  In that moment, the scriptures and truth came alive for him.   The words began to jump off the page and in that moment, my 7 year old son realized that it wasn't about a wrote "Sunday school answer" but about a life ... one that he had learn to love!   Canyon began to learn and understand that through his friendship with this young boy, that maybe - just maybe the Lord would give him a chance to use his words and tell him about the Jesus he knew.  But if he didn't, he also learned that that was o.k. ... because in the end, Canyon was being Jesus just by bringing HIM with him each and every time he stepped on to that field.  We prayed his friend would see a glimpse of him and we prayed some day, Canyon would have built enough foundation to walk him right over that bridge!   

Those years helped shaped Canyon greatly.  He had and still has a great appreciation for our friends who spoke into his heart about what it meant to be a follower of Jesus and what it meant to be involved in cross-cultural discipleship.  
Those years, were also pivotal in his life as we moved from one international adoption to the next.  To Canyon, he began to see and understand that our obedience to adopt wasn't just about becoming a brother, gaining a daughter or a son - but about bringing the Nations right here into our home.  Canyon is on a mission - daily!  At 13, he is a missionary - right HERE!  

During our time of working to adopt Zebene, we had the awesome JOY of bringing both Canyon and his oldest sister with us to Ethiopia.  What a joy it was to see him step off of that bus each day and right back into the field he had come to love during those two years.  He was unintimidated and unhindered.  He played soccer with gusto ... just as he had done before.  He loved big and served big.  Canyon and Dakota would step into each orphanage and transitional home and not see an "orphan" or a 'need", or a "religion".  They saw people, of all faiths, and medical backgrounds for who they were.  They saw  - relationships - and other kids who just wanted to play and needed love.   Watching them was beautiful.  It was natural, honest, pure - and simply - Jesus in a small pair of tennis shoes.   As we were leaving Ethiopia and boarding our plane on our last night there, I turned to find Canyon's eyes filled with tears.  Taken back by his emotion, I asked if he was o.k.  Canyon quickly responded "I have never been to a place where the people have so little and yet - have so much JOY ... I don't want to leave".    At 11 years old, that kid had nailed it.  He saw JOY amidst places where the "world" would see sorrow or much need.  Canyon caught glimpses of what it truly meant to be content in the spirit and have joy amidst all things.   Canyon saw Jesus in their faces and he yearned to not let go.  

So, today, I sent that same boy off.  I've seen him on the field in San Antonio, Texas, in our home and in Ethiopia.  This time, however, I send him ALONE (well - not really - he's with one of the most amazing teams of youth leaders and parents I know)!  We won't accompany him this time.  This time, this trip ... it's all HIS!  As I send my boy out to be a disciple of Jesus, I rest in the peace that Jesus is the one guiding him and protecting him.   I also am giddy excited to think back to each experience before and see how much it has shaped Canyon.  I am certain that while Canyon and his team will bless the church and people they are working/partnering with .... that Canyon will come home even more blessed - maybe a little more refined, maybe a little changed by what the Lord will do in his heart.  

A missionary on a mission ... to Mission, Texas!  


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The attachment dance

"I want new Mommy" he says as he pushes me away from giving him a good-night kiss.  Putting his hand over his face to block the in coming kiss, he turns his head away from me and into the pillow.  I know he's angry at me.  This, the punishment he returns for discipline given.  I know he's angry, but the truth is - sticks and stones will break my bones AND words do indeed, hurt me.

One year, one month and 22 days.  That has been "our Forever" together and yet, it feels like so much longer.   I work to look back over the year - to see progress made - but that night, the only thing I see is the dark dark cloud that resides in my heart and over my house.

Adoption is hard.  Redemption sucks!  The enemy ... he's ruthless!

 The hard, unspoken, ugly truths of adoption often go unmentioned.  Who would put out there for all the world to see and know the things that really happen in our homes or in our hearts?  I mean, for heaven's sake, we're all so busy spreading the need and blessing of adoption so that you will adopt ... that we neatly and conveniently post only the fun, the cute, and the aww moments on our Facebook status's.  Our blogs are full of all the special occasions, "Firsts" through their eyes and the beautiful side of adoption.  Besides, the truth is, the truth makes us me feel ashamed.  For months, sometimes years, we've asked for your prayers, cried and pushed through each step of the long journey and dreamed of that picture perfect "gotcha" moment of when we'd finally meet and be a family.  If we told you that now that we were home, we were frustrated, you'd be frustrated.  If we told you that some days we wished we had never done this, you might judge us.  If we told you that the reality is, sometimes you don't just love them instantly, you'd question our hearts.  And worse yet ... if we told you these truth's, you might not adopt.

But the truth is ....

  •  When you say "Wow, he talks so much" or "he can say so many words" - your right!  But the truth is, he talks that much because he is struggling with attachment issues.  A kid who incessantly talks is also a kid who needs to have the attention always on him/her.  This is absolutely exhausting and well, frankly, knowing it stems from such brokenness, it is crushingly sad.  
  •   When you say "He's so inquisitive", the truth is, his 500 questions he's just asked is because once again, he has attachment issues.  RAD (reactive attachment disorder) lists a child who asks incessant questions or "asks questions that he/she already knows the answer to" as one of the indicators of many on the list for RAD.   This is not only exhausting, but heart breaking.  Attachment is a dance and a process.  Some days, I don't know whose leading and whose following.  I do know ... it feels more like a race that doesn't have a finish line.  The truth is, sometimes, that feels defeating.  
  •  "Aww, he's so affectionate" you say as he puts his hand into yours and walks away with you.  The truth is, what you didn't see was how he turned his head around and smiled a callous smile at me as you walked away.  You didn't see the manipulation in what you thought was a sweet gesture.  You didn't see that he/she was using you to manipulate/hurt me as one more test ... "will she stay"? (because you also didn't know/understand what happens in a child's heart when they've been abandoned)  You also didn't know that often these kids will "Mommy shop" because they've had so many caretakers in their life.  The Mom, me - just another Nanny.   What does that mean?   It means that he/she has no clue what a Mommy is.  The truth is,  He/she isn't being affectionate with you because you are special.  No, he/she has no clue the proper boundaries and you are just another "Nanny" that will give them what they need/want.   Now is that moment as cute?  The truth is hard and sometimes, painful.  
  •  "Wow, she's/he's such a leader" you say.   The truth is, she/he struggles with control issues.  Her/his inability to follow, her/his desire to always be the one in charge and the fact that she/he is always "helping you", isn't because she's/he's just helpful.  If she's/he's helping ... she's/'he's the one in control.   This too an attachment issue.   Being a leader is a positive quality.  Being someone that has to control everyone and everything around them at all times is a stronghold.  
  • The truth is, the kid isn't the only one who can have attachment disorders.   This is an adoption reality that I am learning the hard way.   The truth is, love and attachment is a two way street.  Just as they have to learn to love and trust us - we have to learn and trust them.   The truth is, many days I still feel like their is a stranger living in my home.  Many days, I am still wondering where those parents are of the kid that was dropped off 1 year, one month and 22 days ago.  I am learning that love is as process and it may not happen over night.   The truth is, this feels shameful and many days the enemy uses this truth to tell me that I am a horrible Mom.
  •   The truth is, often kids adopted at an older age will lie, cheat and steal.  This is because it's the only thing they have ever learned and was absolutely necessary to survive.  The truth is, I have watched so so many families dealing with these strongholds and they alone, begin to destroy a family.  These habits are incredibly hard to break.   The enemy knows this.  He's ruthless I said!  
  • The truth is, even after you've read all the books on attachment, done all the coursework and gone through the process ... it is still a constant struggle every day to figure out if the behavior your child is exhibiting is a 'personality trait" or an "adoption related attachment issue".  The truth is, parenting a child by adoption is like a massive puzzle with lots of missing pieces ... that you may never find.  

Adoption is the by-product and God's solution to brokenness.  The first sin of Adam and Eve separated us from our loving God and forced us to be cast out of the Garden.  Because of our lies and sin, we were no longer worthy to be in His presence.  Only through the blood of Jesus, were our sins washed clean.  Only through the death on the cross, were we able to be adopted as sons and daughters.  The truth is, our own adoption process was brutal, bloody, shameful and hard.  

The truth is, it's THIS truth that keeps me going each day!  He paid a price for me.  He gave up his own life for me!  The truth is, adoption is not only hard but there is nothing comfortable/convenient about it. 
Wasn't for him ... why should it be for me?  

Someone once told me that they thought it was "fair" and "right" that a family would pay as much as they did for the International Adoption process.  To them, if the child was worth it .. the family would be willing to "sacrifice" ... that their finances were their "investment".  
I've been thinking about that for a while and have but one thing to say ...  the sacrifice of adoption is our lives.  He laid down his life for me - and through the adoption of our child/children, we have to lay down our lives for them.  I don't know a greater sacrifice or a greater investment than that.  

The truth is ... even in all these truth's, it's still worth it!  






Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I surrender

"I surrender"!  That's me, waving my white flag.  When I say that, I swear I hear Chris Tomlin singing "White flag" in the background

We raise our white flag, we surrender all to you - all for you ...

laying your body down, you took our rightful place
This freedom song is marching on
We raise our white flag, we surrender all to you - all for you

New Years has arrived.  2013 has set in and my TV, friends FB statuses and commercials all speak of resolutions and making them.  BUT - for me - I don't really believe in resolutions.  Most people (including myself) will resolve to change something about ourselves - a decision based upon what we don't like or what "we" think we should do/be better at and then, working through our own will power to change a sin or pattern,  end up defeated again.   The next January - it starts all over.   Miserable!

No - I believe instead on waiting to see what the Lord begins to work out in me.  It never fails, each year or stage of life, he has something for me to learn - a way of edifying and sharpening me.   The lessons are never easy, but they are defined by Him and that means, only through Him are they worked out.   While I will never be a "finished" product, his work on me is always more fruitful than what I can dream up and do on my own.

This year - the phrase that has been running over and over in my heart is "I surrender".

It started on Christmas Eve.  Totally overwhelmed with my to do's, I broke down in tears and begged for help from my husband.  As he asked what he could do, I literally gave over my control, surrendered my need to have everything *perfect* and sent him to the store for all the Christmas food/preparation shopping to be done.  What's big about that ... did I mention my need to control and that he is a man - at a store - shopping for the biggest day of the year?  surrender

New Years Eve day arrived and I woke up sick sick sick.  For 3 days, I surrendered every single thing about my house, my kids, what they wore, what they did, and what they ate.  I laid on a couch and let Doug do it all.  I Surrendered!

But the big one came yesterday.  I finally surrendered and said I needed Help - that I couldn't do this thing called parenting an adopted child - alone.  I finally had to admit that my son was sinking in his language skills and that I had nothing left in me to help him.  I raised my white flag when I boldly shared on Facebook (mine as well been the world - haha) my need for help and direction.   The Lord graciously answered through beautiful private messages and comments.  Surrendering felt good.

Today - I followed through with those answers.  I put on my big girl panties and walked myself into a school and said "I surrender".  I am not enough - Zebene needs more than I can give!  Help me!

As I type, I am awaiting a phone call that is supposed to give me an appointment to get my little boy tested at that very school TOMORROW!  How big is our God that when I took that step and finally surrendered my pride enough, he paved the way - quickly - for me to talk with a counselor AND be told they will test him right away!  Surrendering not only feels good - it produces freedom!  Did you hear that song playing again ... "This freedom song, is marching on - We raise our white flag and surrender all to you, all for you!"

I surrender!

I have a feeling I have a lot more to surrender this year.  But, to tell you what that might look like - is also to be more vulnerable than I am ready to admit.   I think I'm off to a good start today and if anything, only 8 days into the year and I know exactly where the Lord is going to concentrate on me.  The next 357 days could get painful.

What about you?  Is the Lord giving you a word or phrase for the year?  Maybe you did set a resolution.  If so, how will you rely on Him to keep it?  I'd love to hear?  Do share!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Christianity ... is that a verb?

And then she said it "I read your bible, I read the scriptures about the orphan and how your supposed to be caring for them .... so what I can't understand is - why your not!"

This was the phrase that fell off the lips of a woman who admittedly, doesn't claim to be a Christian.  She admits she doesn't "know our ways".  She admits that we don't share the same "spiritual beliefs".   She admits that she completely respects them ... but just doesn't yet share them.  No, we don't hold that common denominator - Jesus - but the woman who sat at my table today does share one thing I hold dear  ... a desire to see fatherless/orphaned/hurting children placed into forever homes.

This woman shared that she had read scriptures from "your bible".  She had also knocked, on behalf of a foster agency, on the doors of "our"churches.  Her desire was to share the need for families to take children into their homes.   She shared that perhaps she just didn't know what she didn't know.  Hinting that perhaps their was a secret code, prayer or saying to get all those people within those walls to listen to the need she sees.  You see, she's read them ... the scriptures.  She sees that their our commandments - to care for them.  But doesn't understand the lack of our response.  She asks ...  is it .... her?

Oh sweet friend ... it's not you!  It is US!

We have failed - Not You!  We have closed our eyes!  We ... are sometimes just not ready to live uncomfortable.  We have chosen what scriptures we value.  We pick which ones we want to fit into our lives.  We are selfish.  We are human!  It's WHY we need HIM ... that Jesus you don't yet know!  

Today I was overwhelmed that the one I want to bring the gospel to ... was asking why we weren't living that gospel out!

One more reason to continue pursuing what is pure religion.  (James 1:27).  The world is watching and asking ... are we who we say we are?  Why would I want to be YOU?

Christian - often used as a "noun" or "Adjective" ... should really be - a verb!

Did you know if we had one family in every church take in a child from the U.S. Foster Care System ... their would be no more children left that needed homes?  ONE child!  One Family!

Christian = Christ in ACTION!







Thursday, June 14, 2012

Truth be told ...

Standing at the register, I notice the young man behind the counter who is checking out my groceries, looking at the T-shirt I have on.   A shirt with the continent of Africa on it, scripture on the front and back about the orphan/adoption ... one of the many that adorn my closet (thank you adopting families!).  He comments that he thinks my shirt "was" an adoption shirt - as if since, he has changed his mind about what I might be promoting.    Responding, I tell him that his first reaction was correct ... that I have two adopted children, one from Ethiopia and one from China.

THEN ... it comes, the first of two questions that leave me pondering the depth of education within our country.

"oh, if you adopted from Africa then why do you have the shape of TEXAS on your shirt"? 

Feeling like I am not sure if I should laugh or cry, I choke back any fleshly response I'd like to give and sweetly tell the young African American boy that indeed, this is the continent of AFRICA on my shirt and the heart is where Ethiopia is (you know, as in one of the country's within the continent of AFRICA'S borders).

This isn't my first rodeo with someone struggling with Geography.  I can't even tell you how many people have not known that Ethiopia is a part of Africa.  I even had one sweet lady stick her foot in her mouth before Z came home when she was telling me in a rather judgmental tone that "her friend was adopting from Africa ... that her child would be black".  This, all the while, we had just had a conversation about my ETHIOPIAN adoption and son with great support and excitement.  I often wonder if she ever found her foot when she saw a globe and realized that Ethiopia was indeed - Africa.

Anyways ... following this interaction , comes the mother of all questions.

From a beautiful and well dressed woman standing behind me in line and listening in on the conversation we've just had, she leans in and asks ....

"So, which one of your children cost more ... the one from China or Ethiopia?  Because a friend of mine told me that the kids from Russia cost the most".

After picking up my jaw off the floor, taking a few deep breaths and counting back from 10 ... I look this sweet woman in the eyes and answer.

"Both of my children were free".

Briefly pausing, I notice a very bewildered look on her face.  I go on to explain my response ...

"Well, in fact, my children were orphans and like all adoptions ... it's not the child that you are paying for (since that would be actually called trafficking), but the process itself is a process full of travel, home studies, an agency that must do all the work and more, Immigration services/fingerprinting etc.  Those things can indeed be costly ... but so is daycare in the States."

She smiles and says "Oh, that makes sense".  But I wonder.  Really,  does it?  

I don't fault this sweet lady for her question or misinformation.  Yes, indeed, thank you to all those magazine articles and misreported news stories that tells of "Rich" white Americans spending thousands for children abroad (desiring to be like, perhaps Angelina and Brad) that most people are uneducated about the truth of International Adoption.  Most people do believe we are "buying them" and don't understand why it must cost so much.  Perhaps if "they" (PS - who are "they" anyways?) knew the reality of those expenses and where they went, the stories and their opinions would sound a little different.  So let's see if I can break down some of them for you (or rather them - since likely my reader is too on this road of "services").    I won't bore you with all of them ... but you will get the point.

First, what you often hear is "that agency charges $30,000 for an adoption".  Being on the Board of one very strong agency  ... I can assure you, this couldn't be further from the case.  On the contrary, most agencies spend a great deal of finances to even open an adoption program, to keep the program running in a country, to promote adoption and to service families through the process.   A little misnomer is that these agencies are charging families hefty fees and making all sorts of income/profits doing it  ...
The truth be told, while an agency has to often run like a business, Adoption is actually a ministry - the ultimate calling of a "missionary", only this time the field is coming home!

Here's a little explanation of some of those costly fees
  1. The "program" fees for our agency currently is broken into 3 parts and paid at 3 points in the process.  Realize that most IA adoptions are 2 plus years and each family is assigned a family coordinator to carry their case, help with building the Dossier, review for errors, take our calls/concerns, book our travel, have an entire in country staff doing all the background investigations on our child's paperwork, in country attorney's, embassy submissions, court appointments and more.  Many times, a family does not even know the extent an agency worked to prepare their child's identity/paperwork to be eligible for adoption.  That fee is currently - $6,000.  Since many adoptions are 2 plus years, that's about $3,000 per year to process your entire adoption.  This is the only fee that gets paid directly to the agency.  I've paid more than that for carpet/flooring installation in my home - a much less eternal and meaningful task, I might add.   
  2. Orphanage Donation - currently $9,000 (broken into 2 payments).  While this sounds like a lot.  Let's do a little thinking.  I have friends who pay $1,000 plus a month for their children(s) childcare each month.  I don't seem to question that.  That is care given just during the day, does not provide food/bottles or diapers.  This donation goes back to the orphanages/transitional homes ... think of it as the payment for your child's stay ... night/day until we/you arrive and bring them home.  In Ethiopia, each child stays in our agencies Transitional home until they are able to finally make their way home.  Their are many Nanny's, a doctor, and a child's psychologist on staff.   The children eat 3 meals a day, receive bottles, changes of diapers and more.  They are also prescribed antibiotics as needed.  While that sounds like a hefty bill, my child was in an orphanage and or this Transitional Home for 1.5 years ... that payment is nothing - considering.   
  3. Home Study - $3,400 plus another $600 when we did an update.  Yes, a social worker spent 4 lengthy visits interviewing us, reading through mountains of paperwork and writing the home study that will go to our sending country.  It's a necessary fee and from my knowledge, Social Worker's aren't the highest paid job in the country.  You can't adopt without a home study as this is the portion of the process that ensures that a family is ready to bring a child into their home.   Just as with any service, a fee is charged for the labor and materials of that service.  To add, most home study fees are not set by the adoption agency - but the state and area that a family is adopting through.   The price of a home study can vary depending on the area of the country you live so your price might look different than mine.
  4. Filing my I-600 paperwork with our country's USCIS/Immigration - $830.   That fee allows a family/child's paperwork to be processed with immigration services.  This process not only gives permission for a family to bring an orphan into the borders of our country, but allows the child to arrive home a United States Citizen on the appropriate Visa.  What an honor!  
  5. Health Inspections on my home (required for home study) - $46 
  6. Birth Certificates (certified) - $76.50 for both of us
  7. Marriage license - $9.97
  8. Police Reports for our Home study (to show clearance that we aren't sex offenders - you get the point) -$30
  9. TB tests and physicals for Doug and Cristie - $338 (required for home study)
  10. Physical for Canyon (my oldest son who does not meet the insurance requirement for physicals) - $110 (required for home study)
  11. Blood work (required for home study and prove we are healthy) - $800 (yes, our insurance STINKS - but that is another debate!)
  12. Our first set of flights for our court trip - $5,238 ... uh huh, that 30K "they" like to throw out includes traveling to a foreign country.    We traveled twice and brought our oldest two children.   Legally, this is a requirement trip made by the sending country and is not a requirement by the agency facilitating the adoption.   On this trip, we stood before a Ethiopian judge and went to court.  On this day, Zebene was declared legally a "Martine".   For Maliah, we spent two weeks in China and not only facilitated the adoption, but took in the culture/sights/sounds and beauty of this country (one in which we might have never traveled - the ultimate vacation!)
  13. In country travel package for 4 people - two weeks - $3,600 (trip one).  This included our guest house stay (with breakfast each day), guides, translators, and various meals including a traditional Ethiopian Meal.   For Ethiopia, families are not required to stay for two weeks - however - we took this opportunity to love on our sweet boy and immerse ourself/children in the culture of his birth.  While the trip was costly, the experience was priceless!  
  14. Trip 2 - two flights there, 3 tickets home (1.5 weeks notice to book = expensive flights) - $5,000. Once the US Embassy cleared our son for a visa, we traveled again to bring him home.  There is little notice to travel once the Embassy clears a family so short notice booking of flights can be costly.  
  15. Trip 3 - $1,500 - in country fee's.  Once again, this included breakfast each day, our stay at the guest house, in country guides and staff that met us at the airport and were with us the ENTIRE stay in Ethiopia - assuring that all the paperwork was process correctly and we enjoyed the visit of our child's birth country.  
I could go on and on with all the little fees along the way.   The fees to mail off your documents.  The fees to authenticate all your documents with the state department ($10 per page in that HUGE dossier).  
But do you get the point?  My "child"/children didn't cost anything.  They are not a commodity.  I did not hand over $30,000 to my agency or his/her families in exchange for them!  I paid for services and expenses to complete the necessary and appropriate legal paperwork that allowed me to adopt each of them - and I'd do it again!!  Yes, some countries are more costly.  Some countries you are required to travel twice and some once.  It's more expensive to stay in Russia than in Ethiopia.  China only asks you to come once but the stay is lengthier.   Kenya requires families to foster their child within the country and that stay can be a lengthy one.  Haiti's flights are cheaper than say, Africa.  Ukraine and Russia require lengthier stays and often multiple trips.   You see the point.  My agency is a "non-profit" agency and I can assure you, that they are not becoming "wealthy, rich American's" by charging me $6,000 to help me complete my adoption - one that took two years to do.  That agency, or any other has employees that must be paid too, to make this all happen.   Without their facilitations and their relationships with the sending country, most of these children and families would never be united.  

Do you see the point?  My answer has always been that my children are "priceless" to which is still a very true answer.  However,  I know people who pay far more for their cars than I did for an adoption and amazingly, no one at the check counter comments on the expense of my vehicle nor questions it's validity to make that happen.  No one asks about where the $30,000 on that new car is spent.  The labor, the materials or the "profit".  We blindly pay the cost on an item that will one day depreciate and fall to pieces and yet, their seems to be much criticism in the world about the "cost" of adoption.  But, you are right.  The reality is, adoption is an expensive process ... because it is a PROCESS ... one that has to be paid for to make happen.   The education needs to be the perspective of the adoption itself.  Adoption is a ministry - a calling.  Those families are missionaries.  The Lord says "Go and make disciples of all nations".  How beautiful is the calling of International Adoption.  First, the Lord is creating families and second, as families, we get to make disciples of all the nations - right within our own homes!   Indeed, their is a price to be paid!  

So I hope that a little education can begin to set the record straight once and for all.   Though my children are PRICELESS ... I did not buy THEM!   I hope that you will look differently at a family adopting.  Perhaps you will see the bigger story the Lord is writing in that calling - one that isn't set by the boundaries of money and join them - and support them along the way.  











Monday, May 21, 2012

Choose another fruit ...

I might just totally shock you when I let you in on a secret ... my kids argue, bicker and often lack patience with one another.  *gasp*  They are as far from perfect as you can get ... and unfortunately, they have one Momma who is leading them in that pack.   *sigh*  We all need some fine tuning around here.

So a little over a week ago, over dinner, Doug set out on a mission to start implementing some lessons on each of the Fruits of the Spirit; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, goodness and self control with our kids.   Realizing that most of our issues are simply issues of the heart, we have realized that we can discipline the behavior all we want - but the only thing that will really change it is that which is within them.  We had a great visit with the kids that if the holy spirit is living in us ... then just as He tells us in Galations 5, we are to live by the Spirit that is in us.  That by doing so, we will not gratify the desires of our sinful nature but will instead shows fruits of his presence.  It tells us that those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature and now have the spirit within us ... so we are to live by it!  We should be baring these fruits.  *should*

We are a work in progress

Uh hum - Did I mention that I was and am always the first to fail the lesson on patience!  Geez Doug, why in the world did you have to pick that one first.  I mean, give a girl a break and at least choose something like goodness or kindness.  I can usually pulls these off.  But patience, on week one - bluck!  Didn't you know when you pray for patience, you get opportunities to practice it!  I told you so!

Well, as we closed out our night Doug told the kids to go look for opportunities to tell him about times where they either had/didn't have patience.  He also said to watch others ... teachers, friends, parents .. yada yada.   What a way to set me  us up for failure.

Well ... since we began our lesson, we have had our car broken into, the AC in the car go out, multiple showings on our home, 2 sets of great feedback (nothing to come of them) 3 Doctors visits before someone finally said our boy was heading down the wrong direction ... and was hospital bound.  3 days and 2 nights in the hospital with a little boy in a 12 X 12 room - confined, jailed and not feeling "sick" at all.  Can you imagine?  Yeah, that lesson alone was a doozy on us all.  He was literally climbing the walls!  To added to that a baseball tournament, Dakota's 10th birthday, and last night we got an offer on our house.  THRILLED we were!  But of course, as our lesson goes ... after telling us they needed an answer by last night ... they left us until morning with no response to our counter offer.  THEN ... informed us that they "didn't know what they are going to do" since a builder of a spec home they liked came back and were going to give them their right and left arms on a house they liked.

Patience ... what lesson?  Whose watching?  Hmmmm ... what did you say?

At this point, we are home from the hospital and our boy is good.  I'm pretty sure that that buyer is long gone ... as well as our excitement about getting to take the next step *sigh*.  Our AC is still broken, my garmin is gone (yeah, those thieves got that one), and well ... I'm still no better at being patient.

*Will I ever learn*  

I say this week, we pick up with kindness and let the Lord test someone else on that *other one*
I raise my white flag .... you win Jesus!

This is the eye that got us admitted.  Not responding to antibiotics at home and growing worse called for IV antibiotics  and CT scans to rule out it being behind the eye.  Septal Cellulitis (or something to that manner).  

Getting an IV always calls for a "paw-sickle"

How do you entertain yourself in a 12 X 12 room with a very wired kid - Apple products.  Thank you Steve Jobs!  

Found out we are getting out of here ... WOO HOO!

It was also Dakota's 10th birthday this weekend.  She enjoyed the day with her bestie and her Mommy.  That girl had waited 10 years to get her ears pierced.  She had literally counted down those years.  Hmmm - maybe she wins the patience award after all.  As she got them done she said "I can't believe I've waited 10 whole years for this day".   Pedicures, a movie, lunch, ear piercing, swimming, looking at puppy's at PetSmart, a visit to the hospital to see her baby brother and a sleep over.  I'd say it was a good day!

Post piercing.  One happy girl!

Lunch!  Pretty girls!

They chose this one as their party prize.  HAHA

Getting her first Pedicure.  

Pampered



Bestie necklaces and rings

Visiting little bro.


I do know one thing ... we may need some work on Patience, but I would have to say - given all that has been going on, we can give ourselves a pat on our back for finding *JOY* somewhere in it all!  






Monday, April 30, 2012

Show Ready

"Show Ready", the term in real estate used to describe a home "staged" and ready to be listed.  As a once eager listing agent, I have had the fun of sitting across the table from clients and walking them through the ins and outs of a "show ready" home.

As we put our own home on the market this past week, I found myself doing those things ... culling out clutter,  moving items from rooms to make them look larger, taking everything off the counters, fixing and repairing anything around the house that had been on the bottom of the "honey do" list for too long, touching up paint, dusting fan blades, changing air filters, and cleaning cleaning cleaning.  It's time to show the world just how perfect it is!

What's the point of a show ready house?  A staged house?  To sell it!  We want the buyer to fall in love with what they see and choose our home over the hundreds of other homes in the area.  We put away our clutter and anything that represents the real life lived inside the walls.  There is no way we'd want to show our filth, our dust and piles of laundry.   We fix everything that has broken or damaged, remove anything unwanted and then as we list the home ... we tell the whole world just how wonderful it is.  And P.S.  if you are reading this and looking for a wonderful house - ours is.  Send on that  buyer wink wink

Getting a home "Show ready" can be exhausting, but the reality is ... keeping that way is even more so.

As I put away kids shoes, toys and re-wiped the counters and checked every last room before leaving for church yesterday it made me think "hmmmm, this is sort of like my life on many levels.   I  work so hard for the world to not see my clutter, my broken pieces and my dirt.   I'm not the only one.  No --- I can spy it on many of the faces of the beautiful woman so perfectly dressed inside the walls of my church, my bible studies and small groups.  We put on a facade and let the world think we are simply *perfect*.  I mean, who would want us if we are full of clutter, unclean and are full of broken parts?   We want the world to think we are wonderful.  We want the world to "Buy into" all we have to offer.

But you know what ... being "Show ready" is exhausting!!  

Ya know, when that buyer buys this house - they're going to fill it with their clutter.  It won't look like the model home each day that it does right now.  It will get dusty.  The bathroom counters won't shine and the mirrors won't look perfect every day.  Things will break along the way that need fixing.  When the doors to that home close, life will be lived ... a life full of brokenness, ups and downs.   Why?  Because we aren't perfect.  We are sinners full of imperfections.   Their is no truth to a "Show ready" life.

Then why do we do this?

Condemnation and Judgment?  We want the world - our friends - to like us.  We think, if they really know who I am, they might not.   What if they knew all the clutter I had in my life?  Would the really want me?

But Jesus told us this,

"Do not judge or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plan in your own eye?  How do you say to your brother, "let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the plank from your brother's eye.  

Ironically, as I showed up to church on Sunday - guess what the message was.  Yep, you guessed it - There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!  HAHA.  I guess the Lord was preparing me for my lesson.  Scott, my amazing pastor talked of this very thing - judgment and condemnation.  He used that scripture above to remind us, it's not for us to judge.  There is no condemnation for those of us in Christ.

Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me FREE from the law of sin and death"

If I (yes, pointing out my own plank here) didn't judge others, then I also wouldn't worry about judgement.  I know and think that others are "judging" me, because often - gasp - I find myself doing the same.  Oh stop it!  I'm not alone.  You do it too!  You do it the minute you begin to compare yourself.  The minute you covet what another has.  The minute you grow envy because he/she has something you *think* you deserve.  So often our judgement grows from a place of envy.  So often, our judgement grows from a place where we think "our way" is the right way.
However, it comes ... there is no place for it.

Here's a wake up call!  We weren't made to be "show ready".

Show Ready is exhausting!  Let's just get back to life and living already!

Want to see my perfectly spotless home.  Hurry ... check it out.  I'm thinking by next week, my buyer's looking might find a note that says "Sorry, life happened in here today".















Thursday, April 12, 2012

Truth be told ...

It happened.  The truth is out and now we are living with the consequences of the Great American Lie!

For almost 12 years we have enjoyed the fairy tale and fantasy of the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause with our children.   11 years ago, I can remember having a lengthy conversation with family members about what we were going to do in our home - to Santa or not to Santa ... that is/was the question?  For me, I grew up with the fun of Christmas stockings and Santa cookies and couldn't wait to impart all that fun on my own children, and frankly, I was beyond furious when a family member brought over their child who was around two at the time (Canyon still a baby) and he was running around saying "Santa's a hoax, Santa's a hoax".  How dare they tell their child such a thing!  I so deeply feared that their decision would ruin our own family fun that it made me furious that they had taught their young child to say that.  It was definitely a source of hidden bitterness in my spirit ... little did they know.

However ...

3 kids later, our Christmas's were indeed a mix of the truth of Jesus's birthday and the created American story of the Great Santa Claus.  Our children knew the "reason for the season", we attended church to celebrate our Savior's birth, we read the bible, bought kids books and taught them all about Mary, Joseph, the Angel Gabriel and a beautiful King born in a manger who was brought to save the world.  It was beautiful.

BUT

We also filled stockings, set out cookies for Santa, enjoyed the yearly viewing of the Polar Express complete with the bells that jingle and enjoyed much of the great tradition that holds true for many children in America.  It was all good!

The same was true for the Tooth Fairy.  They lost teeth and she magically arrived in the night sometimes days later because our Tooth Fairy stinks to retrieve those pearly treasures in exchange for the going rate of $1 in the Martine home.

No Easter Bunny - that one was for sure lost on the celebration of the greatest gift of Easter - Jesus's death and resurrection.  And although Christmas brought in the mixture of our truth's and lies,  for whatever reason ... this was one fairy tale we just didn't subscribe to.  The kids did ask on occasion why the Easter Bunny didn't come to our house and the typical answer was "The Easter Bunny knows you believe in Jesus ... and knows that you know that that is what Easter is about".  Hmmmm???   A little hypocritical perhaps??

This past Christmas I read a blog post by a "Friend" in the adoption community.  I had followed Jen's adoption of her two children and although she'd never pick my face out of a crowd,  I considered her a "friend" because don't we really all want to be Jen's friend and therefore appreciated her wisdom and insight as much as I would any friend hanging out in my living room.  So, the day she posted this post, was another confirmation of us questioning just what we were really doing.    With the pending adoption of a four year old from Ethiopia, I already had found myself questioning the "American" traditions and culture that I would be soon be imparting on him and began realizing that perhaps, our emphasis on stuff, things and possibly, Santa, whom had never come to visit him (lest was he not a "good little boy"?) was something that didn't sit so well in my spirit.

But alas, Christmas was around the corner and what was done was done.  This year ... we'd do it all the same and I conceded that we'd re-visit this subject *next* year.

Well ... I guess that time has arrived.  With one little phrase, one little question, the truth has been told (to one little Martine at least).

Here's the short of how it played out ...

Dakota lost a tooth yesterday.  As she prepared for bedtime, she realized that she needed to put her tooth under her pillow.  To my surprise, however, she instead looked to me and asked "Is the tooth fairy real"?
Now, I have always told my children that they could ask me ANY question and that I would always answer them with the complete the truth.   And yes, I have had some doozy questions already to which I have proudly been brutally honest to answer.   My kids live in a fallen and broken world and attend the nearby public school ... so you can imagine with my two oldest, at almost 12 and 10 - their have been a few subjects broached.  I usually love these questions, actually.   Ironically, while most pull their children from the public school setting BECAUSE of what they might hear ... I am usually relieved to know they have heard those things under my careful watch and am quick to bring light and truth to those things through a biblical perspective.  It's one of my many reasons I don't want to home-school my children (not to mention,  my son would school me because he's so darned bright).    I want them to swim with the whales while I am the one still teaching them to swim and those are perfect opportunities to teach them a new stroke ... but that is a discussion for another place and time all together.  IE ... today isn't your day to throw daggers or judge me on that ... nor try to convince me of all the reasons you think I should be doing so.  
Anyhoo ... what that does mean, is that I am careful to always give my children a honest and forthright answer every.single.time so they keep coming to me with their questions.

So as I stood in the middle of the room, I began to hesitate.  Before I knew it, I sent Dakota to her Daddy to see what he wanted to say.  And like any good Daddy, he asked her "What did your Mommy say"?  By that point, it was obvious that we were stammering around this one and the truth needed to be revealed .... "Dakota, the tooth fairy isn't real and in fact, she is your Mommy and Daddy"

Her immediate response to her question and our answer was shared with giggles.  Dakota realizing that the few times that the tooth fairy didn't "make it to our house because she was so busy doling out money to so many other kids" was actually Mommy or Daddy just plain forgetting.  She giggled and off to bed she went.

As I approached a few minutes later, however, I found a very different reaction.   After some thought, Dakota had decided and realized the truth.  As she turned her back to me without a goodnight kiss, she said "You lied to me".

My heart sank.  She was right.

Morning came and my blue eyed beauty was still distraught.  Through her tears, she again told me that we had lied to her.  Sitting down in a conversation, she asked

"I just want to know what's real"?

It hit me in that moment, my girl was not just questioning our fantasy Santa and the Tooth Fairy ... our girl was questioning this man we called "Jesus".  I knew exactly what she was asking when she asked that questions.  She was questioning the very thing we had built the core of our family around - our faith and her relationship with Jesus and wanted to know if he too was a great big fat lie.   If Santa wasn't real ... then what else wasn't?  Am I praying to something make believe?  Have a placed my heart and given my heart to untruths?  Oh no ... she didn't say it.  But she didn't have to - I could read it all through her eyes.  My eyes filled with tears.  Living the "American way" had not only caused my child to question us, but it created space for the enemy to creep in and to leave a place for her to question HIM!

I began to weep. I can't even explain the sadness that came over Dakota.  Now hear me now, I am not condemning anyone who is choosing to enjoy the fun of Santa, the tooth fairy or anything else.  Hey - I did for 12 years.   I am definitely not one to pass judgement on another families choices ... But today, seeing my girl in tears, crushed me and was a wake up call for our family and the choices we had been making.

 Immediately I responded

"JESUS IS REAL!  Dakota, these are the truths you need to hold dear in your life ... Mommy and Daddy love and adore you AND JESUS IS REAL!  Jesus died on a cross for you.  And he did so, so that you could have eternal life with the father!  Without him, we are hopeless.  He's not only real ... but he's coming back!"  

A weight seemed to lift from my girls shoulders as we continued to discuss those things that are make believe to the the one truth she could hold forever - HIM!  And let me tell you, it felt so good to sit and share in an honest conversation ... no longer hiding behind the lies and schemes we had created so that we could keep her in a fantasy world.

We have decided that the truth that came out for one of our children today was indeed a hidden blessing.  And yes, while her imaginary world of fun being shattered might have caused some of her upset this morning, the the fact that she felt the Mommy and Daddy she trusted had lied to her and that she questioned JESUS's truth was enough for us to say no more!

So if you will, pray for us as we approach this subject with our other children.  Of course, Zebene isn't a factor in that equation and I am certain that at almost 12, Canyon knows that those things are a fantasy (though never spoken aloud).  But Maliah ... sweet Maliah at 6 will surely be devastated at the news that the big fat man in the red suit is nothing more than her Daddy, eating bites out of her peanut butter balls, drinking sips of the milk and always leaving behind a special note to tell her just how great he thought they were.




  



Monday, February 27, 2012

26.1 miles to go?

19 months - from start to finish - from the moment we put in our application until the moment we stepped off the plane and became a family of 6.  23 months for Maliah ... so this time, the race was a bit shorter, albeit, mostly because we sought a child that was older - and a boy - two areas that are less popular in the world of adoption.    The journeys were long.  There were moments of great stress, tears and heartache during both.  There were moments where we had to completely trust that the Lord called us ... that he would finish the race set before us.   And - He did ... he is always FAITHFUL!!

The reality is though, that while most of my readers and friends followed us all those months and were so vital in praying Zebene home ... the race isn't yet finished.   That part of the journey is simply the warm up - the 5K - to the marathon that lies ahead for an adopting family.  The journey begins when most are finished cheering.   When the sidelines of cheers have diminished.  When their are no more water stations and mile markers to let you know how far you have to go ... when the posters have made it's way to the recycle bins and the rest of the world has gone back to living life.  That is when the real journey and work begins.

It's so easy when we arrive at one of our Airport Welcome Homes (yes ... we are blessed here in San Antonio that this has become a fun and frequent family affair), that we all look on at the new family and in our minds think "And they lived happily ever after".   The pictures are beautiful.  The moment is full of joy and praise as the fruition of all those months of praying that child/children home has finally come to pass.  A family has been birthed and we, the onlookers get to rejoice and be of witness to all His good works.   It is the crescendo!!!!

What you might not know, however, is that that family doesn't always look so "rosy" if you peered through the window once the bags have been unpacked.  Transition is hard.  It is work.  It is exhausting.   It is lonely.

It is also the only place I have ever seen and heard the Lord more clearly.  Why .... because when the world goes away ... I am only left with HIM!

Many have asked how we are doing.  Many have shared their desire to meet our sweet boy.  Many have blessed us with the gift of meals, texts and e-mails.  And while I haven't always had the chance to respond, answer or thank you ... they have been, in many moments, the oxygen to my blood that day.   Did I mention that adoption parenting and transition can be lonely?

So, let me give you a window into what we are doing.  A window into the world of attachment, bonding and grafting.


  • Zebene sleeps on his top mattress that lays next to our bed.  Each night and each nap, we lay down with him to get him to sleep.  Only in the past day or so, are we working to leave the room before he has drifted off .. which brings huge tears.  When he cries, we immediately go back in and pat his back and let him know we are here.  Zebene is a hurting child that needs to know that we will always return.  In his life ... that has not always been the case.
  • Discipline looks different.  When a behavior shows itself, a time in on Mommy's lap - or right near me, is how it is handled.  For a child from a hurting place, they have often been abandoned and isolated.  Our goal isn't a time out (away from us) as we are working to build a bond and trust and bring him closer to us.  This can also mean long timeframes of kicking, biting, screaming and spitting ... yep, I told you this isn't all rosy.  
  • Meeting Zebene's needs:  Zebene has had multiple broken placements.  First, he was with his beautiful mother for 2.5 years.  From there, he was in an orphanage for 4 months, a transitional home for 17 months and then placed into our care.  This means that Zebene has had many many Care Takers caring for his needs, and many broken attachments in his short 4 year life.  This also means that in his world and mind ... at this point, we are just another stopping place and perhaps, one more "Auntie" in his world.  Because of this, in order for Zebene to learn who his family is and what a family is ... only Doug and I (and his siblings) can be the one to meet his needs, show him physical affection and care for him.   This includes the simple things like when he needs help climbing on something, a drink of water, to go to the bathroom, help with his seat belt, a snack, or a meal.  This also translates that Doug and I do not leave him with anyone yet - even those incredible grandparents we have.  Now, if you see us and him ... don't treat him or us like we have the plague.  For sure, come say hi - Zebene loves to give a high five and would love to meet you.  Just leave the Care taking and physical affection to his immediate family for a while.  We are living in our cocoon ... and praying that this dark and sometimes lonely place will give birth to a butterfly that will be amazingly beautiful when it spreads it's wings.  
  • Cocooning - This is a whole new world for Zebene.  His world looked different, smelled different, and sounded different.  It also was spent (in the past months) mostly in one place ... one transitional home - day in and day out.  He didn't make Target runs, hang out at his brother's baseball tournaments and ride in the car a gazillion times a day to take his siblings somewhere. For Zebene, transition into a new place can be scary - it's also not consistent (which he needs most).  Sometimes, he will want us to hold him and he won't let go.  In the few times we have gone out and strangers have approached, he has turned his head away from them (at first).  He isn't being rude - I promise.  He is guarded.  We don't know what he may be thinking ... since we can't yet really communicate.  For all he knows, you are going to take him away - I mean, we did.  Recently, a precious mother in law of a neighbor put her hands out and tried to take him out of my arms.  Immediately, he shook his head at her and held on to me tight (looking away).  I won't lie ... this brought me joy as I was the one who was getting to comfort him - a big plus for attachment.  This brings me to another point ... 
  • Your situation or your friends child might look like our Maliah's did (and still does at time) - indiscriminate affection.  Don't be fooled by the child who recently came home and looks so "happy and adjusted" because they are "so friendly" and will go to anyone ... sit in anyone's lap and allow anyone to care for their needs.  Friends ... this isn't good - though the world would say "Ah, they are doing so well", this is a child with attachment issues.  I have lived this world and continue to do so with Maliah (home now 5 years).  For a child from a hurting place who doesn't know attachment to a mother ... they are often willing to receive affection and attention from anyone who will meet those needs.  It often comes across as being so "Social" when little do you know that this child may be struggling with control issues, the need to always be seen (incessant talking can be a attachment sign), and freely "mommy shopping", I call it.  This has been the hardest part of our journey with Maliah.  I'm pretty certain that she would just as willingly go home with a stranger as us on some days.  SO ... once again, this goes back to only the parents meeting the needs of the child.  Well meaning strangers and friends helping are often hurting the process of attachment and not even know it.   
  • Intentional play.  This takes time ... and, friends, I am still learning this one.  There are all sorts of sensory play ideas and more that we are or should be doing.  I'm still trying to figure out how to fit it all of this in (practically speaking)  ... all day focused play, my growing piles of laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, kids activities, grocery shopping, making meals and more - without loosing my mind.  I will talk more about this one later ... KP (see below) and I are wrestling with this as I am often wondering if she has actually been in a home where one is trying to parent 3 other kids, be a wife, help your husband with work and more while doing all of this.   I am trying to learn a balance and right now and  the beam keeps winning.  
  • What would KP do??  In the adoption world, their is a well known attachment expert named "Karen Purvis".  She has worked with children from "hurting places" for years and through her science background and experience has learned a great deal as to the reasons why our children respond the way the do ... the things they are missing from nutrition, attachment cycles and more.   In our home, we often ask "What would KP do'?  If you haven't already, read "The Connected Child" then go on over to Empowered to Connect  and watch some of the videos of KP, read the blog posts of Amy and Michael Monroe and learn a little of what we are doing as the basis and foundation for each day.  What I have listed is only the starting place as we have read a TON of books along the way and are utilizing many tools from them - she just happens to be our families favorite.  I'm also still working on that "Karen Purvis" compassion voice.  
Parenting a child from a hard place isn't easy ... it has to be intentional and that often means ... exhausting.  The good news is, God knows all of this and we are sure that through the wisdom of resources like KP and through the revelation he gives each day, that he can and will bring beauty from ashes ... in every child.   But, when you ask how we are ... know that if I look at you cross eyed and glazed over, it's because I am caught somewhere between balancing the reality of living life each day ...  with 3 kids plus one more - from a hurting place.  (Well, actually 2 kids plus 2 more from a hurting place - since that parenting never ends).   And by the way ... I need a mile marker.  What mile am I on anyways?

I sure am worth it!!!  






 
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