Place your wager!

Memorial Day ... a perfect day for a little outdoor pool activities, grilling and well, a game of family wager's.
As we gathered around the family table for dinner somehow "years" became a topic of conversation.  What year Daddy and I met, when we married, when Canyon was born, Dakota, Maliah, Maliah's "Gotcha Day", the day she became a citizen etc. etc.  You get the idea.  And as often as they do, our conversations led to day dreaming of Levi - the what if's and when's.  Tonight's discussion - What year will be the year of Levi's birth?

So, a little family fun was created and before I knew it, Canyon had a piece of paper out and we were all placing our wager's on the day and year of Levi's birth.  Of course, I didn't have the time or energy to explain to my kids that often in Ethiopia ... they don't actually KNOW that day ... but well, maybe in his case they will.  As well, when we do get that long awaited referral, I can't actually legally share his exact birth date with you until he's all ours (we pass court) ... so you'll just have to take my word that I'll let you know who was closest.

We all placed our bets and here is what we have;
Daddy:  May 1, 2008
Dakota:  September 20, 2008
Maliah:  August 20, 2007
Mommy:  January 23, 2008
Canyon:  November 27, 2008

And for fun, we had to come up with what the "winner" would receive and decided on the all important PHONE CALL TO EACH GRANDPARENT!
That's right, whomever is closest gets to be the ONE to call each set of grandparents and tell them we got "the call".  Oh man, I am SOOO hoping I win.  That's gonna be one fun call!

A little family fun around dreaming of you today, Levi.  We shall see one day who is closest.
What about you -- what's your wager?
For some insight; we've request a boy 30-48 months old.  Hold that lightly though; the Lord can always throw us a curve ball and have his own plan.

He has the days numbered ...

Dear Levi

The past few nights we have prayed in boldness for the Lord to show us YOU!  We are quickly approaching what will be "court closures" in Ethiopia.  This means that during the months of August and September the court will be closed for the rainy season and their will be no court dates given.  No court = no visit to you, no becoming OURS forever until they open again ...and well, it is Ethiopia .. only they know that day.
Typically it's 2-3 months out from referral that a family travels to court so the reality is, if your referral does come we will be stuck without you again.  However, recently I have been having such vivid dreams.  In my dreams we get your referral and very quickly get a court date for the last day of July.  I am literally in my dream racing to beat the clock for you.   My Momma's heart is so living on that prayer.

Last night I had the most vivid dream of our referral moment and the moment I saw your face.  My heart must be well prepared and perhaps the day will soon come indeed.  We will only know when he shows us his hand and his timing.   Though it doesn't feel perfect, we know it is.

I wanted you to know though, Levi, as you look back at your journey that each and every night we prayed for you and your arrival home.  We dreamt of you, talked of you and included thoughts of you in all of our preparations and plans.  Yesterday during nap time your big sister Maliah was crying.  It was an intense set of emotions she was going through and without prompting she said "I miss my Levi and want him home".  You are talked of often and I believe in our hearts, you have been born.  Watching the swell of emotions from your 5 year old sister reminds me of this truth.

Though we can't see the Lord at work in this story, we know he is.  Much like each day, we can't see our breathe or the wind in the air ... it is there.  So is his presence and his hand in your story.  We may not see it now, in this moment what he is up to ... but I think our spirit does.  He is preparing a place for you ...

We are so ready!

His words, not mine!

Throughout this adoption process I have concentrated a good deal of my efforts on learning what I can in regards to attachment.  Of course, this isn't in any way a "new" subject in our home having walked the road of adoption before, however, it is always good to be refreshed in ones perspective and to gain as many tools as possible when preparing for a new child in the home.  To add, because we are seeking an older child, I have a heightened awareness that their is a good possibility, we will have some work before us and so I am working to fill my "tool belt" with "tools".

Adoption isn't a place to wear ones "rose colored glasses".  Often, we find ourselves concentrating on the fun things when we chit chat on a blog; referral announcements, seeing our child's face the first time, our first family moment etc., but the reality is, the journey will extend far longer than most of you will continue to follow a journey for.  Many readers will think the journey is "over" and the chapter is closed after that long awaited family photo of "completion".   This so isn't the case and the reality is, that it is only where our real story will begin.

During my preparations I have realized lately that one of the places the enemy has begun to place fear in me is this very thing; attachment.  I have been reading a great book on "Toddler Adoption" called "The Weaver's Craft" and while the book is insightful, it also is terrifying.  There are many truths the author speaks of; anger, resentment, frustration and a lack of good attachment for children who are adopted during the timeframe of the toddler years.   This tends to be one of the harder ages to adopt, in fact, because as we have experienced through our other 3 children; the 3 year old age is the age where a child begins to naturally assert and want their independence.  This identity is in argument with the fact that a child from a different country, who speaks a different language and is also working on attaching to a family while at the same time is also in this stage of working towards independence.  This is often a breeding ground for frustrations, especially with the inability to communicate.  To add, it is such a young age to understand what in fact is going on around them.   As I read about this more, it makes my heart ache for our little guy and what is to come.  We anxiously await to celebrate knowing him while at the same time, the reality is, this will be a really scary time for him.  All these truths and this truth has left me with a spirit of fear ... will he "Attach" to us?

So, fast forward to this week.  One morning while having a quiet time I noticed that my daily bible reading had a "insight" inset to my day.  This insight had a list of biblical names.  I have loved thinking about a name for our little boy and early on we decided on "Levi" as we felt it held so many important meanings.  I wrote about that naming of him here.  But this day, while I took in the word, He brought me back again to the name we had already chosen.  The name we felt that he had drawn us to.  As I looked to my "insight" , there it was "Levi" with the meaning next to it "Being Attached".    Just as boldly as the words I just typed, that meaning jumped off the page at me.  At first I began to chuckle to myself and then those little laughs turned to tears as I realized that once again, the Lord who knows me also knew what my fear was.  He knew just what the enemy was using to place fear in me ... Fear NOT of HIM!  The Lord confirmed, in HIS word that he knows my chosen "Levi" and he knows this fear of attachment.  While the journey ahead may not be easy, I can look at his promise


                                                             "Levi" ... "Being Attached"

Bring my child home ...

O.K. so I have been so excited about Cindy's EP release and we've been working away on the "No Double Yellow Line" event, but today, in the very short few minutes of quiet I had ... I went back and watched AGAIN ... and listened AGAIN to the words she wrote.  Inspired by and for all the families working to bring home children, and in particular the families and children of "Haiti Children's Rescue Mission" (HCRM), the words pierced my heart.  I felt like today, they were my words.  Lord, hear our cries.  In my quiet today, I confess disappointment in your timing.  I know it's YOURS and I know in the end it's perfect ... but I confess that today, that resonates in my mind but the message has skipped my heart.
I have been blessed beyond words with so many birthday wishes today, but I have made a wish that only the Lord who created me can fulfill.  This birthday, it feels incomplete.  Lord hear our cries to "Bring our Children Home".  Lord hear my cries to simply show me the child I am waiting to know.
Watch the video again and stare at each and every one of those faces ... including my beautiful Maliah.  Every one of those children were longed for, pursued, chosen and prayed for.  Every one of those families wept tears of frustration and disappointment but were complete in the end with his joy and elation!  There is a scripture in the bible that simply says "Jesus Wept".  I wonder, with each tear we cry, does he share in our ache?  I wonder with each celebration high, does he rejoice with the angels?

I hope you loved what you just heard.  The heart and emotion behind every song written on Cindy's newest EP will resonate with every family who walks this journey ... and journey it is to "Bring our Children Home".

I hope you'll come out and enjoy our event.  Go to "No Double Yellow Line"  and register under the "EVENT" to join us.  It's free ... and you will be blessed.  *Remember seating is limited so don't hesitate*

CINCO!

Today marks the 5 month anniversary since our paperwork went off to Ethiopia.  Only the Lord knows how many more days we will wait until he shows us the child he is preparing for our home.  It's definitely the talk of all my children, every morning and every night we say prayers for our Levi and we pray and dream that "TODAY is THE DAY".  It's also the first thing people will ask if they aren't following along here ... "when" and "how long"?   Who knows, but I know our days are numbered ... and so was his ... before one of them came to be.  Working to rest in that today as my heart longs to move to the next part of this wait!

A thousand wonders

Dear Levi

Today feels hard.  Each day is getting harder waiting to see your face.  I wonder every day where you are, what you are doing and who is loving you.  I wonder how old you actually are.  I wonder if your short or tall.  I wonder what your complexion looks like ... if your hair is tight curls or loose curls.  I wonder if you have the most radiant smile.  I wonder if your quiet natured or are you a go getter.  Do you love cars, trucks and balls or would you rather relish in a lap with a book.  I wonder if you are in an orphanage right now or have you been moved into the AWA transitional home.  I wonder wonder wonder.

Today feels hard and I can't stop dreaming of you today.  Today, I have dreamt a thousand times the moment I see your face for the first time.  I wonder what I'll be doing when "the call" comes.  I wonder if your brother and sisters will be in school ... will I really get to surprise them and show up with good news. Boy, how fun would it be to be hero for a day!  I wonder where your Daddy will be and will he be in meetings.  I'd have sooo much fun interrupting those meetings to tell him "It's a BOY"!

Levi, I thought I'd write you today because as the Lord has placed a big ache in me today, it makes me wonder if there is something going on your life ... some reason that I have a greater longing to hold you.

How in the world can you love and dream so much about a little boy you have never seen?  Only the "Wonder Working One" (Thank you Billy Foote) could plant such a love!

Make sure you scroll down and pause my music before playing the video.  I love this song ... today, this is my song.

God prints

I didn't know it would choke me up the way it did!  Opening a package I had been expecting ... the last package of our research project for Maliah's orphanage arrived in the mail I suppose on Saturday.  Too busy to check it, I was blessed with an Easter surprise.

Tearing into the package, a tiny little yellow outfit was wrapped in plastic paper.  Opening it carefully, an ache grew in my tummy.  All of a sudden, my little girl sitting next to me became an orphan in my mind again ... all of a sudden, I pictured her lying in a metal crib with a plywood bottom wearing these very tiny little clothes.  She was so tiny once ... so tiny and yet I missed it ... I didn't know her then!

Sunday was a blessing indeed.  An amazing Mommy on our yahoo group for children from our orphanage organized this research project a long time ago.  Not truly knowing what we'd find, she asked if anyone wanted to jump on board.  There was a financial commitment but really, it was penny's to what we would find over the next year or so.  I am SOO thankful we said YES!  Pictures of the orphanage, her medical file, the medical report and finding report, video, video of Maliah's finding spot, cultural pictures, a map translated of Xuwen today, traditional wedding hair pins, pictures of the city and of "day life" in Xuwen, festivals, and more (3,500 or so to be exact), a traditional baby carrier that the woman wear and 2 pearls from her city.  And yesterday that final package arrived with a sweet note about Maliah's "finding clothes" (to which is her story and I will refrain from sharing) and a precious little yellow outfit that "Xu Xiao Wen" wore often during her 10 months stay.

As we sat together on the couch, I explained to Maliah that these were "her treasures" and that Mommy was keeping them for her for when she was "big like me".  She smiled big not truly understanding what any of that meant.  Oh, she'll talk about her adoption, having a birth Mommy and being Chinese ... but at the end of the day, at 5, how could she truly comprehend the depth of these treasures and understand what they'll mean to her someday?  At 37, I'm still trying to take it in.  Some days I forget that the daughter I love, that the daughter that I forget is adopted, the daughter that I forget is Chinese ... because she's just MINE, has a story that began before I was a part of it.

As we perused through the papers and letters from Mrs. Linda, there was one last thing.  This one took me over the edge.  My eyes filled with tears and a lump in my throat replaced my words ....

Maliah's footprint.  Maliah's baby footprint from her medical report.  Now, I have all 3 of my baby's footprints.  Now, I can show Maliah just how big she was too when "she was a baby".  As we sized up her big girl foot next to her itty bitty foot, she giggled.  Mommy choked back the tears.  Look how big she was!  My girl was indeed getting "all growd up".

So this Easter, the Lord blessed me with a surprise.  As I celebrated his resurrection day ... the day he gave us LIFE ... he left me with a footprint reminder of the LIFE he had given us!  These our his God Prints ... wrapped up in a package complete with a footprint!