Shhhhh! I have to tell somebody - before I burst!

We're doing it again.  We're having another baby.  We are so so excited!  Not all of the family knows just yet.  In particular, one soon to be 11 year old is about to get the surprise of her life.  She's begged and pleaded for this baby.  She has promised that if we do have another baby, she will help take care of her, feed her and more.  After much time and prayers - we've decided it's the perfect time to give her some added responsibility and decided - what the heck, let's do this thing while we're still young enough!

So ... after much research and time, we received a message about 6 weeks ago that she had been born and a few precious referral pictures.  Though none of the photos are of the highest quality - they never are.   We could still tell she was adorable.  After looking through her information and staring at her sweet face - we decided to say YES ... oh my gosh - you would have too if you had seen that sweet newborn nose!

Yesterday, I got an update picture on her.  She is adorable.  She's supposed to be home ... get this ... just in time for Dakota's 11th BIRTHDAY in a few weeks!  Go God!

Would you like to see a peek.  PLEASE PLEASE don't tell anyone ... especially my blonde, blue eyed girl.  We are about to blow her socks off and give her an 11th birthday surprise she'll never forget!

WAIT FOR IT ...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Did you really think I was crazy worthy enough to add another child?  I mean, I adore those two little pistols blessings born of my heart - BUT - this time, we've decided to go a whole new adoption direction.
My parent preparation has been researching crate training, bell training, potty training, heart worm meds, and x-pens.  And, here's the best part.  I hear, that when you love on a puppy ... THEY LOVE YOU BACK!  I. AM. SO. EXCITED!  Seriously!

Coming Soon to a Home near You.  (Surprise - this is your gift pics - are surely to come!)

Where did you see Him this week?

What a crazy week it has been in the world!  First, the horrific bombing in Boston.  In a place where hard work and perseverance is celebrated with a finish line of victory and triumph, the enemy misplaced all of that with choas, destruction and loss.  Surely, however, he didn't think about how the spirit of Love is always bigger.  The stories of beauty and the kindness of strangers has prevailed in the news.  God always gets the glory!  His Love always wins!

Next, the tragic blast in West, Texas.  This one hit way too close to home for me.  In college, I may or may not have dated someone who is from that very small sleepy town and spent more than my desired weekends looking at cotton fields, checking for aphids and riding around in a red pick up truck with a few stops at the Czech bakery just for fun.  Of course, those weekends wouldn't be complete without the softball tournaments at the Knights of Columbus Hall that included their fare share of Keg's - followed up by Sunday Mass to forgive all those sins.  Small towns are funny places I learned - places that are like today's version of "Cheers" ... where everyone really does know your name.  In any case, this week was a week of wondering over many people who touched my life during that time including that gentleman who now is married, with children and still calls West/Abbott home.  Since I don't make it a point to keep up with old flames, I can only pray that the Lord protected he and his family, extended family and the many friends that I once called mine.  But, alas, once again - in the midst of such tragedy, the beauty of God's goodness has been seen in the stories that are continuing to unfold.  Even in the loss ... He is there.
Love always wins!

Add to my week, I was down with the most awful stomach bug.  Literally, that little booger took me out of the game.  Stuck right between those two events ... what made for one depressing week.
My little highlight, my amazing husband who took care of my kids, fed everyone, did laundry and made sure I got what I needed.  He even went to the store for chicken noodle soup ... bless his heart.    The store ... Not his favorite chore.   God is too sweet to give me such a love.  See!! Love always wins!

As I drove down the highway of 281 today, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the beauty of bright yellow wild flowers that overtook the median of the road.  Literally a burst of color that only could be created and perfectly displayed by a God who knows that in the ugliness of the world ... he still wants us to know of his beauty.
I so wanted to stop and take a picture of those flowers, but the image in my mind has gotten me to think of the other beautiful images he has given me throughout this week.

Indeed, love always does win!  I have so much beauty around me.  Here's just a few of some sweet and beautiful moments of my week.  What about you?   Where did you see his fingerprints and beautiful displays by his hand?

Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.  Ecclesiastes 3:11

The secret to a Waltz

Over the past 9 years, I have met some amazing people in the adoption journey.  Each of them has a story to tell that is a living and breathing testimony to God's grace, mercy and never ending love!  Each family has been brought to adoption through different circumstances.  Some out of the desire to be a Mom and Dad (infertility), some out of obedience and some because "they had room" (Do you know how many children lack a home and family?)  Each of them, however, hope to have the same ending to their story ... a "Happily Ever After".

In recent conversations with friends, my hubby and through the overwhelming response I have received from this post,  I am learning that while our circumstances and stories are all very different, we all went into the process believing and hoping for the same ending results.  When you add a child to your family, you think of that child loving you as much as you love them in return.  Adopting families seek out, pursue and dream of their child-to-be,  already full of a love that most outsiders cannot understand.  That hefty pile of paperwork and home study might just look like "paper" to the outsider, but to an adopting family, it represents a child and a dream that is growing in our hearts with each cross of a T, dot of an "i" and fingerprint smudge.  We love them before we even know their faces ... and truthfully, we also have expectations for them and the place they will fill in our lives, even before we know their names.

There is one problem.  They don't have the same dream!

Then ... they come home.  Then ... life begins.  Then ... we are crushed, disheartened and frustrated.  Life begins and the "hard" of the adoption process becomes real.   We begin to realize, often, that our children don't appreciate us, don't want or don't know how to love us and they fail every. single. expectation we had set for them.

We grieve the loss of our dream.  With all the "hard" of the adoption process, the hardest part is the one we secretly would never ever share ... they don't live up to what we had imagined.  This doesn't "feel" or "look" like we thought it would.   You might be thinking we were ill prepared.  We weren't.  You might be thinking, we went in with rose colored glasses - perhaps.  But what we did do is - we read, studied and learned and took all the classes we could about all that "attachment stuff" and "adoption parenting".  It was only after we got home did we realize that some things just can't be taught.  There is one thing missing in all that "education".  The reality of the heart.  Things only become personal and real when their is a cost.  This time, the cost is our heart and that hurts.   We set out with a dream and a desire to love and be loved.  We learn all about what "behaviors" our children might come to us with prepared for the battle ahead - but no one ever tells you about the one place where the armor of education can't reach and protect - the heart.   Truthfully, you can't teach hurt and you can't "teach" what the heart will feel in the process of redemption.

In our own grief and struggle over a lost dream, we often fail to remember that our children are grieving something even greater ... the loss of a family!  As much as we might want to turn our heads, our "blessing" of adoption was the result of our child's greatest tragedy!

Maybe the problem isn't our kids .... maybe it's time we re-set OUR expectations for them!

As I stood visiting with a new friend on Easter, we immediately began conversing over the one thing that was very obvious we had in common - adoption.  Her son, who came to her at birth, was a beautiful little 3.5 year old little boy.   She swooned over him and gushed in the amount of love she had for her son.  In our conversation, she shared that they were in the process to add more children to their family ... this time, through the foster/adoption system.   She shared her one fear of that process... That "these kids will remember their families and I don't know if I can handle sharing the role of Mommy".  That's what she said ... but this is what she really meant

 ... "I'm scared they won't love me the way I need (or expect) them to love me".

This precious woman also began to share that her first born was adopted at "birth" and therefore, "she didn't have any of these concerns with him because we are the only family he will ever remember.

That's when it really hit me!  That's when the truth of all of this stared at me right before my eyes.  In those moments, the Lord used that new friend to speak to my heart and I believe, for me to speak to hers.

This is my message to her heart:

Didn't you say you wanted more than one child?  If that is the case, then you are believing that the Lord has given you enough room in your heart to love more than one child.
The same is true of our children.  I believe, the Lord can give them enough room in their hearts for more than one Mommy.  Whether their story and that Mommy is a good, bad, or an ugly one ... that is their Mommy.  We cannot and should not ever want to take that away from our child.  In fact, our children should not only be given permission but encouraged to love them!  That Momma, gave them life!  Whether adopted at birth or at 10 ... that sweet Momma is very much a part of their story!  If we fail to recognize how important this is ... then we fail to love them in the fullness of who they are!

And this is what the Lord spoke into MY heart.

He used her worries and fears of rejection to show me that where I was struggling most ... was with my own rejection.  I had, unknowingly set expectations for Z that he could not and would not ever fulfill.   Oh, for sure, he is struggling and acting out all sorts of attachment behaviors (expected).  But the truth is, while some of those behaviors are painfully annoying at times, it's actually the result of those behaviors that I am struggling with.  Yep, rejection hurts.  Rejection makes room for us to build up our own walls.  And what I am learning is, that same rejection makes it difficult for us to attach to them!

unrealistic expectations = my rejection = my broken heart = me building up walls to not get hurt more = me not attaching to Z = him not attaching to me.

Remember that "Attachment Dance" ... I now know who is leading.

The expectations of my heart!   I'm re-setting my expectations in hopes that we can move from dancing with two left feet, into a Waltz that finds a newer and smoother rhythm.

The attachment dance

"I want new Mommy" he says as he pushes me away from giving him a good-night kiss.  Putting his hand over his face to block the in coming kiss, he turns his head away from me and into the pillow.  I know he's angry at me.  This, the punishment he returns for discipline given.  I know he's angry, but the truth is - sticks and stones will break my bones AND words do indeed, hurt me.

One year, one month and 22 days.  That has been "our Forever" together and yet, it feels like so much longer.   I work to look back over the year - to see progress made - but that night, the only thing I see is the dark dark cloud that resides in my heart and over my house.

Adoption is hard.  Redemption sucks!  The enemy ... he's ruthless!

 The hard, unspoken, ugly truths of adoption often go unmentioned.  Who would put out there for all the world to see and know the things that really happen in our homes or in our hearts?  I mean, for heaven's sake, we're all so busy spreading the need and blessing of adoption so that you will adopt ... that we neatly and conveniently post only the fun, the cute, and the aww moments on our Facebook status's.  Our blogs are full of all the special occasions, "Firsts" through their eyes and the beautiful side of adoption.  Besides, the truth is, the truth makes us me feel ashamed.  For months, sometimes years, we've asked for your prayers, cried and pushed through each step of the long journey and dreamed of that picture perfect "gotcha" moment of when we'd finally meet and be a family.  If we told you that now that we were home, we were frustrated, you'd be frustrated.  If we told you that some days we wished we had never done this, you might judge us.  If we told you that the reality is, sometimes you don't just love them instantly, you'd question our hearts.  And worse yet ... if we told you these truth's, you might not adopt.

But the truth is ....

•  When you say "Wow, he talks so much" or "he can say so many words" - your right!  But the truth is, he talks that much because he is struggling with attachment issues.  A kid who incessantly talks is also a kid who needs to have the attention always on him/her.  This is absolutely exhausting and well, frankly, knowing it stems from such brokenness, it is crushingly sad.  

•   When you say "He's so inquisitive", the truth is, his 500 questions he's just asked is because once again, he has attachment issues.  RAD (reactive attachment disorder) lists a child who asks incessant questions or "asks questions that he/she already knows the answer to" as one of the indicators of many on the list for RAD.   This is not only exhausting, but heart breaking.  Attachment is a dance and a process.  Some days, I don't know whose leading and whose following.  I do know ... it feels more like a race that doesn't have a finish line.  The truth is, sometimes, that feels defeating.  

•  "Aww, he's so affectionate" you say as he puts his hand into yours and walks away with you.  The truth is, what you didn't see was how he turned his head around and smiled a callous smile at me as you walked away.  You didn't see the manipulation in what you thought was a sweet gesture.  You didn't see that he/she was using you to manipulate/hurt me as one more test ... "will she stay"? (because you also didn't know/understand what happens in a child's heart when they've been abandoned)  You also didn't know that often these kids will "Mommy shop" because they've had so many caretakers in their life.  The Mom, me - just another Nanny.   What does that mean?   It means that he/she has no clue what a Mommy is.  The truth is,  He/she isn't being affectionate with you because you are special.  No, he/she has no clue the proper boundaries and you are just another "Nanny" that will give them what they need/want.   Now is that moment as cute?  The truth is hard and sometimes, painful.  

•  "Wow, she's/he's such a leader" you say.   The truth is, she/he struggles with control issues.  Her/his inability to follow, her/his desire to always be the one in charge and the fact that she/he is always "helping you", isn't because she's/he's just helpful.  If she's/he's helping ... she's/'he's the one in control.   This too an attachment issue.   Being a leader is a positive quality.  Being someone that has to control everyone and everything around them at all times is a stronghold.  

• The truth is, the kid isn't the only one who can have attachment disorders.   This is an adoption reality that I am learning the hard way.   The truth is, love and attachment is a two way street.  Just as they have to learn to love and trust us - we have to learn and trust them.   The truth is, many days I still feel like their is a stranger living in my home.  Many days, I am still wondering where those parents are of the kid that was dropped off 1 year, one month and 22 days ago.  I am learning that love is as process and it may not happen over night.   The truth is, this feels shameful and many days the enemy uses this truth to tell me that I am a horrible Mom.

•   The truth is, often kids adopted at an older age will lie, cheat and steal.  This is because it's the only thing they have ever learned and was absolutely necessary to survive.  The truth is, I have watched so so many families dealing with these strongholds and they alone, begin to destroy a family.  These habits are incredibly hard to break.   The enemy knows this.  He's ruthless I said!  

• The truth is, even after you've read all the books on attachment, done all the coursework and gone through the process ... it is still a constant struggle every day to figure out if the behavior your child is exhibiting is a 'personality trait" or an "adoption related attachment issue".  The truth is, parenting a child by adoption is like a massive puzzle with lots of missing pieces ... that you may never find.  

Adoption is the by-product and God's solution to brokenness.  The first sin of Adam and Eve separated us from our loving God and forced us to be cast out of the Garden.  Because of our lies and sin, we were no longer worthy to be in His presence.  Only through the blood of Jesus, were our sins washed clean.  Only through the death on the cross, were we able to be adopted as sons and daughters.  The truth is, our own adoption process was brutal, bloody, shameful and hard.  

The truth is, it's THIS truth that keeps me going each day!  He paid a price for me.  He gave up his own life for me!  The truth is, adoption is not only hard but there is nothing comfortable/convenient about it. 

Wasn't for him ... why should it be for me?  

Someone once told me that they thought it was "fair" and "right" that a family would pay as much as they did for the International Adoption process.  To them, if the child was worth it .. the family would be willing to "sacrifice" ... that their finances were their "investment".  

I've been thinking about that for a while and have but one thing to say ...  the sacrifice of adoption is our lives.  He laid down his life for me - and through the adoption of our child/children, we have to lay down our lives for them.  I don't know a greater sacrifice or a greater investment than that.  

The truth is ... even in all these truth's, it's still worth it!  

Warancha ... First quarter of 2013 update

Thank you in advance for all our sponsors!  We now have 105 of the 200 children profiled sponsored.  That is 52% of the children.  Your dedication to sponsorship is what is making these things below possible!  Here is the update for the First Quarter.  

	A MESSAGE FROM COUNTRY DIRECTOR

 Dear Donors and Sponsors,

 Welcome to this edition of our quarterly newsletter!

 I would like to extend my sincere gratitude to those of you who are graciously supporting the desperate children and needy community through Children’s HopeChest Ethiopia. Your contribution would enable us to provide opportunities to further develop survive, thrive and succeed programs. The organization has been providing basic necessities to all the registered children and making positive influences. Children’s HopeChest Ethiopia is also involved and committed to supporting youths through our Youth Development Program (YDP). The new model project, YDP focuses on young girls and boys to continue their high school and college education. Through YDP, the number of young girls receiving support has increased from 4 to 9 girls; an additional young boy’s home has been established and 7 boys have been enrolled in the program. Those in the program are housed in a gender-specific group home for girls and boys. Each home has a home supervisor acting as a big sister and a big brother consecutively for the girls and boys. This project holistically addresses the desperate needs of abandoned youths and has the potential to expand it’s ministry in different parts of the country.

 Children’s HopeChest Ethiopia is partnered with 23 local churches and local NGOs, and supports more than 3,000 children through partner CarePoints. CHC office has been supporting leaders and staff at different partner CarePoints in all courses of action. Capital project implementation has been benefiting sponsored children, their families and the whole community located around our partner CarePoints through construction of schools, wells, health clinics and other infrastructures.

 One of the devastating effects of poverty is illness. CHC strives to support those children suffering with various curable diseases. With the support of our donors and sponsors, plans and medical funds are created for this purpose. With that in mind we are also working to construct health clinics in different places to protect the children from life threatening diseases and provide primary and preventative healthcare.

 I would like to thank you all for your generous support and the continuous impact you’re making on numerous desperate children and their families.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year!

Mr. Tesfatsion Tsegaye

	DISCIPLESHIP PROGRAM

 This quarter’s discipleship lesson theme was “Jesus Blesses Children.’’

 In this quarter, we have been discussing children, as those who are blessed by Jesus.

 One day, Jesus was teaching people early in the morning. As he finished his lesson, he went to a disciple’s house to get rest. Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray.

 The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, ‘Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.’ And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands upon them. (Matthew 19: 13-15, Mark 10: 12-16; Luke 18: 15-17)

 From this lesson, the children understand that Jesus loves and blesses them whenever they believe and live in him. They also learned that they belong to the kingdom of heaven, and that they are not despised in front of God.

God Bless You All!

	SPECIAL UPDATE

 For the school year the children received exercise books, pens and pencils, textbooks, school uniforms, school bags, and personal hygiene materials.

 During this quarter many activities were carried out at Warancha Hiwote Birhan CarePoint. Among these activities were:

• Supporting children with no family by providing clothing that were sent from donors
• Distribution of educational supplies
• Bible class is taught every day as a subject matter and children who are attending enjoy the class
• Witnessing the word of God for children’s families by the social worker as a result of this, five parents confessed and accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior

	A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDREN

 My name is Ayelech Atote Jofie (ET3004053). I would like to forward my gratitude to my sponsor family for their commitment to share their life with me. I have been benefiting a lot from the sponsorship program at Warancha. I have been getting supplementary food, school supplies, a school uniform, clothing, and my school fees are paid for, and an opportunity to learn spiritual lessons about Jesus. My life is changing and I can see a bright future. Once again, thank you so much for what you have been doing for me and your prayers too.

I wish you a Happy New Year.

	A MESSAGE FROM THE CAREPOINT LEADER

 First of all, I would like to extend my appreciation to our beloved sponsors and donors, connect community leaders and Children’s HopeChest for your unreserved commitment to serve these children. Even though we struggled a bit with limited amount of money coming to us due to low sponsorship, we have been able to serve the children in various ways. Out of 201 registered children, over half of them are not yet sponsored. As a result, the church elders as well as CarePoint staff members are getting a number of requests from unsponsored children families. Moreover, we were struggling to serve the children with limited money as per our plan.  Currently, we have been seeing a good progress on the sponsorship rate and the revenue that our CarePoint is receiving from our sponsor donor community has increased.

 On the other hand, the teaching and learning process is in good shape. I can’t explain how many children are able to attend at our school these days those otherwise don’t have any other options that staying at their home. Their families’ have understood that education is key to the future of their children. I hope these children will be able to join university some times in the future and will support themselves their by contributing their part in building their country.

 I believe that God will change our challenges to blessings for his glory and the benefit of the children. The church and CarePoint staff members are always praying that God will bless and protect our sponsors and donors.

Sincerely yours,

Mr. Philipose Yosef

CarePoint Committee Chairperson

	PRAYER REQUESTS

• Pray for our children’s health condition this time of the year, as malaria is a danger
• Pray for the CarePoint leaders
• Pray for the school teachers and CarePoint workers
• We praise God for giving this opportunity of getting sponsor for our children

Are the words just meaningless?

Today, I'm sitting in a place of exhaustion.  To be honest, I can't even come up with the words and expressions to celebrate that Z has been home a full year.  I soon plan to write all about the marvel and wonders of that year .... but today, I'm too busy processing Z's first "report card" and "progress report" for his Pre-K class and the reality of the YEARS we have to go.  *sigh*

Each time we see someone and they hear Z talk, they remark on how well he is speaking and how much English he knows.  It's true - he knows a gazillion words and BOY does he like to use them!
On the RAD attachment list, I can officially check off two things for us that fall on our spectrum
 1.)  Talks incessantly and 2.) Asks questions that they even know the answer to.  Yep, these two things  describes Zebene in a nutshell!  No coincidence that nutshell would contain the word "Nut" ... because these things will make one a little NUTty!

I love how friends with other four or five year olds will remark "Oh, I know _______ asks a million questions a day too".  Or ... _______________ talks all the time too, it makes me crazy!  *smile*
You have no clue!  Did I mention I have had 3 other 4 year olds in my parenting years?  This kid talks iron-man marathons next to their piddly little 5k's.

No, people, we're not talking about your average 4 or 5 year olds 420 average questions per day craziness (yes, that is the serious estimate of questions an average 4 year old will ask per day).  No - we're on a MUCH larger scale here people!  We're talking the amount of words and questions that bring a loving PiPa back with your kid after 2 hours (when they were supposed to be gone 5) telling you he's returned because he's "Run out of answers".

We're talking abandonment here.  We're talking the by-product of what happens to a kid who isn't just curious but rather broken!  Adoption is a beautiful thing with some amazingly beautiful redemption moments - however - it's also FULL of such loss and trauma that the manifestations of abandonment are complex and to be honest - frustratingly exhausting at times.  Just ONE of those things is the need for a child to be *heard* and for them to know you KNOW they are *present* at ALLLLLL times.
This looks like a normal 4 year old on the biggest steroid shot you have ever seen.  50 cups of coffee worth of questions and words every moment of the day.  Noises, grunts, groans, and more that will make you begin to saving for those $350 sound buffering headphones that promise to drown out the world.   All of this - so they can assure you that they not only exist - but THEY are your only, central focus each and every day!

But here's the frustrating part about it ... after an entire year of all that, the progress report still shows what you have known in your heart all this time - most of those words are just meaningless to him.

I guess the good news of this report is that someone finally has proven what I have been saying for so long.  Z has words ... but he doesn't have language.  While the kids talks a lot - he really doesn't know often what he is saying or better yet, what we are saying to him.

To make the long story short, my sweet boy is really really behind (and of course he is, he came home at 4 years 2mo).  In every single area of his testing (listening, reading, phonics, phonics awareness, mathematics etc.) he shows "Far below Expectation".   For example, when the teacher read Z a story of 130 words long, he could not recall ONE detail of the story - nor could he correctly identify the main character or idea (what the story was about) - even with assistance.

Other notes made "Z did not correctly pick out his first name from a few answer choices" (strangely to me since he can actually WRITE his name).  He could not identify any parts of a book or distinguish a letter from a word, and a letter from a number (even with assistance).   Did I mention how long we've been working on our letters and numbers?  *sigh*  Did I also mention that the one thing about his language he can do is give "Concrete" items a name?  Now imagine him trying to figure out abstract concepts, and the meanings and usage of all those things plus the connecting words that give our sentences meaning.  Oh my!  I'm frustrated for him.

The "report card" continues with more and more info that basically says what we have been saying to everyone ... don't let his words fool you, we have a long way to go.

One year home, a bazillion words spoken and yet .... many more to go.

*sidenote*  Please refrain from telling me to have patience.  I realize these things.  I am simply sharing where we are now so that one day I can look back for myself and see how far we CAME!  It. Will. Happen.  *they say it takes 5-7 years for a child to develop "Educational Language"*
Who wants to donate to the anti-crazy fund .... AKA ... sound buffering headphones?

Officially Official!

This is long past due, but on January 25 - Zebene was officially re-adopted here in Texas.  This gives us a U.S. Birth Certificate (easier for school/his future etc.) and also gave us the ability to change his name from how it must be given during the time of adoption in Ethiopia (they must keep their ET name for first name, Dad's name as middle and then the new last name.).  Because we decided to keep Z's first name, it didn't seem like a lot changed - however - he did go from "Doug" to "Levi" for the middle.

In any rate, one more thing checked off the "list" in the post-adoption phase.  One more round of finances spent for the adoption ($600).   With our year anniversary quickly approaching, I am looking forward to getting the last social worker home study update completed and move on with life - if that is even possible once you've completed an adoption.  Until Z is 18 we will have to submit reports written by us and photos yearly.  Whew!

Here's proof of the day.